A Second Letter to Lisa Loeb

[Read the first letter here.]

I’ve been thinking about our first date, Lisa Loeb. There’s a lot of pressure to perform, and a lot on the line, but I think you and I are above all that. Let’s take it easy—let’s have fun. We’ll go bowling Lisa Loeb, not just regular bowling, ROCK’N BOWLING. During the 9th frame, I’ll get them to play one of your songs, and you don’t normally sing along, but remember Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles? She couldn’t go and have fun either, but that’s what we’ll do Lisa Loeb, we’ll have fun.

This is the 21st century, Lisa Loeb, so does it matter who pays for dinner? A man can pay, sure, but isn’t that just a little clichéed? You like to be ironic, Lisa Loeb, you like to run backwards against the grain, pants down and hands raised to the sky, you like to be you. You’re creative, Lisa Loeb, a dynamic soul, and that’s what makes you who you are. That’s why our date is going to be dynamic too, dynamic, creative and fun.

You want to take charge, you’ll probably open the door for me, and I won’t stop you, Lisa Loeb. Your Jewish Mother instinct is probably in full-tilt, and who am I to tell you no? You can choose the exclusive, expensive steak restaurant, you can choose the bowling alley near the 405 freeway, you can arrange the limo that will whisk us from hotspot to partystop. But please, Lisa Loeb, I’m choosing the movie. It’s The Princess Bride, again. You love Andre the Giant, too? Tell the limo driver to stop off at my buddy Little Dwayne’s house -- we can get Wrestlemania III and some hot wings… that’s what you want, isn’t it? As you wish, Lisa Loeb, as you wish…

Best first date you’ve ever been on Lisa Loeb? Yeah, I get that a lot. But this time it’s special, Lisa Loeb, it’s special because I’m with you.

You’re reading a book on dating Lisa Loeb? Well skip ahead a few chapters and you’ll get to Chapter 8: Love. Is that my picture clumsily glued onto the page, Lisa Loeb? Yeah, that is pretty romantic, but when you’re my #1 lady, stuff like that happens all the time.

We’ve really got it going on, don’t we Lisa Loeb? I feel like I know so much about you: you wear glasses, you drink coffee, and you use credit cards. It’s like we are the same person! (I do not wear glasses or drink coffee, but if you tell me to, I will start both immediately.)

About our future together, Lisa Loeb:
It would kill my family to attend a Jewish wedding, so we’ll be eloping to Switzerland using the dowry that you give me. Our romantic wedding night will be memorable as any, since your money is no object. Nine months later, since I can’t stand the sound of babies crying, you’ll be in charge of that, Lisa Loeb. But don’t worry, somewhere on the third floor of the Lisa Loeb Love Factory you’ll find me, the JC, getting baked, eating chocolate cake and sandwiches and probably playing Jeopardy! On Super Nintendo.

I’ll take Super Nintendo for $100, Alex…
Answer: What is Lisa Loeb’s awesome birthday present!

And I’ll almost always remember your birthday, our anniversary, and the scheduled games of our favorite sport teams, Lisa Loeb. I’ll remember because I care and also because you’ll be paying some of my friends 2 million dollars a year to remind me of stuff like that.

I’m guessing the only marriage better than ours would be that of Joseph and Mary, a couple you’ll get to know very well when we go to church. That’s right, Lisa Loeb, since I plan on saving your soul from the depths of hell, I have to convert you to the truth of Jesus Christ, the Lord. It’s okay though, you can order a limo, wear poodle-skirts and do anything you please in church after you pay for box seats. Front, center and in good with the Lord. Who knows what trouble we might get into… religiously and sensually.

What does the future probably hold for us, Lisa Loeb? Well, honestly when we’re retired (not now, but when you’re 64 and I’m 50) I’ll probably set you up with an attractive, 55-year old (very suave) friend of mine and take pictures of you in a compromising position. Then I’ll divorce you and take half of your money, but don’t fret, Lisa Loeb, I still like you, I’m just not in like with you. It’s just that I need that money to date women who are much, much younger than you.

See you Saturday night, Lisa Loeb, and don’t forget your appetite!

JC

Comments

[ryan]

Hey man, what say you about a double date/sham marriage with you and the Loeb, and me and the girl from Two Pence None the Richer. Maybe get the gal from the Cardigans in on the deal as well. Jenny Lewis can hang too. Get them all tipsy, and then, think about it man, group sing-a-long to "Kiss me, under the bearded barley..." around, like, a bonfire at Dockweiler beach or something. All kinds of blankets and junk. It would be so easy on the ears. And the heart.

[ryan]

So apparently that girl is actually in a band called "Sixpence none the richer," but you get the idea. I did some thinking just now on my way to the bathroom, about the whole beach excursion, and remembered how inevitably that motorcycle dyke from 4 Non Blondes would probably show up with that joke from Spin Doctors and try and ruin the vibes with their respective, ridiculous hats. The dude from Blind Melon would be eating mushrooms in a lifeguard tower. So, just be forewarned, I guess.

[ryan]

Also the dudes from Silverchair and Cracker, would be all "How come nobody remembers us enough to even forget us?"

[ryan]

and the dude from Blind Melon would be wearing those funny John Lennon glasses with hologram skeletons in them or Peace Signs, even though it is night time.

[price]

even though the chick from 4-Non Blondes is a lesbian and the dude from blind melon is dead, i still wouldn't put it past them to show up and trash the party. i've seen plenty of couples made up of lesbians and ghosts, especially at dockweiler.

[Jon Cannon]

I'm game to the terms of this "mega-date" which you have outlined. I think that you should think about inviting the chick from the cranberries and bradley knowell.

[ryan]

Cranberries girl is definitely invited, but she better not talk about being Irish, because then I'll just leave. Nowell might steal the thunder, and make other dudes seem like chumps, however I am open to the idea of his ghost playing at us from the moon. (as Price mentioned earlier, Dockweiler is a hotbed for 90s era ghost musicans, so I am confident this can happen).

[Jon Cannon]

So I know you said we don't need any dudes to mess up our flow but what if the ghost of 2pac comes back to tell us all the info on how the white house and middle east tie into his death? And also I think we should get the woman who sang that song "Ben" because it was a nice song from a nice time.

[price]

Michael Jackson sang it. It was about a rat.

[ryan]

I think that if 2pac's ghost came back to drop science on all sorts of hip hop government plots, we would need KRS-1 to channel him like Whoopty-Whoop Goldberg in GHOST.

[ryan]

and price is right, that song is by Michael Jackson, and it is about a rat. and it is beautiful and if I ever come across another person named ben i will sing sing sing it to him and our hearts will swell.