Final Final Letter to Lisa Loeb

[The first, second, and third letters.]

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN REVIEWED BY THE CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS. REPORT LOC: 1910427-ZO-1_ALCATRAZ

Status: Approved

Correctional Officer:

Lamont P. Beauregard

Loeb, Lisa

Street Address

NY, NY 10011

MESSAGE:

-------------------------------------

Babe,

I’ve been chopping cedar-wood for 10-hours a day, under the constant and watchful eyes of a double-barreled shotgun. I had to hide a shiv in a dark place for 34-hours after a man named Rascal Flats threatened me with a shiv. They’ve told me that escape is impossible, Lisa Loeb. They said that the last man who tried to escape The Rock wound up shark food 60 yards out. Did I mention how ripped and muscle-y I am after all that tree chopping? Escape from the island might be impossible for some, Lisa Loeb, but it isn’t impossible for my love for you, ‘cuz my love for you is like a bird, fly away.

That doesn’t matter to you though, does it Lisa Loeb. You saw your opportunity and you took it.

It was one thing to file charges, Lisa Loeb, that’s your right as an American, and that’s one of the things I like about you. But it’s a whole ‘nother thing to trump up the charges with talk of “reckless endangerment,” “rollercoaster madness” and “assault, stalking, and dangerous eye-balling”. Now I’ve got a bunkmate named “Sleepy” who never seems to get tired.

And maybe if I could talk to you, woman to man, Lisa Loeb, I got some real deep feelings I want to get out on you… You know it’s like when two dogs are eating pasta sauce with bologna and you’re just watching them and thinking “Oh that’s cute” but then you see what they do afterwards and you’re like “Oh, that’s filthy. My love for you is like that, Lisa Loeb, deep, and saucy.

Is it the religion issue, Lisa Loeb? Can’t you look past my white skin to see that on the outside we’re both white? Even if you are Jewish, Lisa Loeb, I went to a bar-mitzvah once, and even wore one of those silly hats. Don’t you see it, Lisa Loeb? I would wear a silly hat for you.

Lisa Loeb, girl, I’d sit through Titanic, and I'd close my eyes for the exciting two seconds where they show tattays, and I haven’t seen any tattays since Tiny Tom tore the shirt off a chubby new-fish during a game of pinochle on the exercise yard. Lisa Loeb, I’d do almost anything for you, as long as it was comfortable and didn’t require a lot of self-sacrifice. Like the time I sold Tiny Tom some laxatives but told him it was Ecstasy, and he almost died of dehydration—I did that for you, girl. Hell, I'd sit through the Lord of The Rings trilogy wearing one of those silly hats and closing my eyes pretending all along to know what the hell those midgets were talking about, if that’s what you wanted, Lisa Loeb.

You know what this is like, Lisa Loeb? This is just like in St. Elmo’s Fire when that pussy guy is in love with Judd Nelson’s lady and he never says anything about it until it’s too late? I’m talking here, Lisa Loeb, is it too late? I’m holding my stereo up, Lisa Loeb, I’m holding it up. The light, the heat, Lisa Loeb.

It wasn’t Judd’s fault, you know, he is just an unfortunately named if not unattractive man. But don’t try to make this another conversation about the Bright Light that is the rising sun-star of Judd Nelson, Lisa Loeb, this is about you and I, me and you, us… we.

We’ll be like peas in a pod, or better yet, we’ll be like two green apples hanging high in a tree, staring at each other ‘til we run out of rhapsody. Do you like that, Lisa Loeb, we’ll be like pigs in slop on a plane to slop island where more sloppy pigs will be there and get sloppy together.

So where do we go from here, Lisa Loeb? Do I slink off quietly into the mess hall of life, relegated to the lonely Whitey-Cracker table of despair until I’m stabbed by one of the Locos Locos with the sharpened spoon of fickle fate stolen from the kitchen by Tiny Tom and Sleepy? NO! Lisa Loeb there is another way!

Please Lisa Loeb, Agree to my final offer:

1. You drop all charges, including any and all completely false accusations that I pet your kittens so hard that they died.

2. You pick me up from Alcatraz and immediately tell me all the reasons that I’m the #1 single.

3. A 1 million dollar check written out to my prison friend – “Cash”.

4. Lisa Loeb, I need to hear that you’ve fallen in like with me.

5. C’mon girl, you gotta show me them Tattays.

And Finally,

6. You agree to one, #1, single, final date.

Nothing ominous -- just you, me and the everlasting together eternity of forever burning in the center of the universe’s soul without end, forevermore.

What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine, Lisa Loeb, forever,

JC

P.S. Can we have a pajama jammy jam, girl?

Comments

[ryan]

Man that is cold-hearted how she played you like that. You went all the way to a famous prison for her, whose cells have been graced by such famous inmates as the Birdman, and those epic dudes from Unsolved Mysteries, and all she can do is come down on you like that? You're better off with out her.

[Sparxxx]

i think this is my favorite thing i've read so far- on this site, maybe on this planet. tee shirts with text blacked out are going to be the next big thing. Cannon you've STRUCK COMEDY GOLD!!!

[Pekin]

That new photo of you is bedazzling. Put Topher Grace next to you and we got ourselves a picture.

[Myles]

That is so like you Jon. You get a little bit of acclaim, that's all, just the merest dab of attention, just a WHIFF of fame, and what do you do? Go out and get a make-over and throw away everything you had going for you. I hope the collagen in your lips will keep you warm at night because I'm certainly not going to any more.

[ryan]

Isn't Jon in prison for committing embarassing acts to an okay 40 year old singer-songwriter? He traded in his one phone call for a glamour photo.

[Jon Cannon]

They are nice lips though, aren't they? The answer is "yes."

[sparks!!!!!]

jon knoxville cannon, lookin' sharp!