I'm a Rockstar Programmer

Dear Sir or Madam:

           This is in response to your job posting on Monster.com for a "rockstar programmer." I applaud your company's zeal in skipping over qualities like experienced, focused or gifted and opted for "rockstar" as the single defining trait in your search for a new member of your IT department. I am confident that I can be an asset to your hard-rocking team of programmers. So buckle up, strap in and ask yourself... ARE YOU READY FOR ME TO DETAIL MY QUALIFICATIONS???

I said... ARE YOU READY FOR ME TO DETAIL MY QUALIFICATIONS?!??!

My previous experience with being a rockstar programmer include: being chronically late or missing, staggering into work after a night of binge drinking with our sysadmin; wearing the same faded concert tee and ripped acid washed jeans I've been wearing all month; or getting into shouting matches with the MySQL guy over whether he's encoded the database in UTF-8 or ASCII, and then finally getting fed up and tearing down a rack of servers and storming out. I can promise that level of professionalism and commitment to your company as well.

I stress that though it may seem like it, being a rockstar programmer isn't all fun. We are required to produce clean, efficient code in a timely manner, roughly every 3 or 4 years -- and I promise you that after that time and after several millions of dollars, I can produce one piece of software that may or may not be well-received by the people who pay for it. Failing that, I'll repackage some of the best software I wrote just out of college and slap a new interface on it.

Did I tell you about the time I held up 12,000 screaming sales associates because I wouldn't code a single line until one of the interns brought me an Aeron ergonomic chair -- just so I could smash it to bits?

But it isn't just about the code, man, it's also about the presentation. There was this time we played Google in Mountain View: my buddy Siran and I finally rolled out (and rocked out) corporate's new payment tracking system and after we were done, I swear to God, the conference room table was littered with damp panties the ladies from Accounts Payable had thrown at us and then Larry Page (yeah, that one) gets up with us and starts jamming about monetizing interstitials. Hell yes, it fucking rocked! We closed out the meeting by setting the digital projector on fire and my buddy Siran bit the head off a bat -- don't ask me where he found it. Afterwards we had to pack up our van quick and skedaddle before someone started asking us about closing our bar tab.

There's nothing like the rush of watching a sea of lighters waving in the audience like that time we played the International Consumer Electronics trade show in Vegas. 'Course our CTO screwed us out of the proceeds from that one. But he went on to work at Cosmo.com, so fuck him.

If there's one thing I want to make clear, being a rockstar programmer isn't something you learn -- you're born with it. I knew it ever since I would sit on the back steps of my high school, smoking and writing javascript for the chicks that were always hanging off me.

And one last thing: I will bang every chick -- hot or not -- in your HR department. Because I am a fucking rockstar programmer.

                                                                      Sincerely,

                                                                      Charles "C+++" Hastings

Comments

[ryan?]

The only thing I know about computer people is that they call computer's "machines" for some reason and they don't keep the "manuals" for their "motherboards" (both still very foreign terms for me). Also, I don't think they refer to themselves as "computer people."

[Pekin]

I think the soft drink company "Rockstar" is looking for a programmer, you should check into it.

[Chief Big Ass (lrs)]

Did someone really say they needed a "rockstar programmer". Doesn't that sum it up. They're looking for the nerd who started doing situps & sushi in college wears von dutch trucker hats (STILL)and talks like a squirrel on coke (because he is on coke and because his nuts are acorn size)

[ryan?]

Tim, Ryan here. Quick question. What can you tell me about "Airport" cards? I'm looking to go wireless ("Finally." I know), but I'm not sure if my G4 can handle it. Shoot me an email, or reply to this post. Whichever is easier for you. I'll be in the office till 5. Toodles.

Best,

Ryan

[Larry Ellison, CEO of Oracle]

Dear Tim,
I've read about your interest in working for that hack Charles Hastings as a "Rockstar" programmer. Let me tell you something about Charles Hastings: he once fell face first into a pile of dog shit, and he did so on purpose.
Now let me tell you about working here at Oracle: we are rogue, pirate programmers who write mostly in FORTRAN, because we're hardass pirates on the software seas. We once raped and pillaged 6 internet companies in one day, because we're pirates. Pirates of the Silicon Valley.
So please, won't you join my epic pirate pirate-filled battle against Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all those other douchebags who think they know what being a pirate is all about?

Larry Ellison
CEO, Oracle
p.s. if your answer is no, fuck you. No offense, it's just a pirate thing.

[price]

way to completely misunderstand the post, jon. tim is writing AS charles hastings.

get back to me when you've finished eating your hat.

[Larry Ellison, CEO of Oracle]

Peons,
When Oracle wins the crusade against Microsoft and Apple, do you think we will hire "characters"? We want warriors, warriors like Tim, not hacks like Charles Hastings.
Peterson, be aware that an equal number of my ninja/pirate squads have been dispatched to your home.

Larry Ellison
CEO, Oracle

[SPARKS!!!!!!!!!]

starting a letter with "peons" is the best thing I heard since my heart started up again after I fell out of that tree (fruit picking season Mexico '02--I go on record as world's first illegal immigrant TO Mexico)

[ryan]

Tim don't join that street gang honey, please! I know they have a pretty heavy rep, and they ARE roving, but even so, think of every child's life. Wonderdreams. Miyago. Cracked it open. Worms out of the ears. Done? Milkbrain.