LEAKED: Paramount Marketing Memo

To: BRAD GREY

From:  MARKETING DEPT.

Re:    SOME RATIOS AND STATISTICS REGARDING THE TITLE OF TOM CRUISE’S NEW MOVIE “M:i:III”

• Ratio of punctuation to letters in title – 2:5

• Ratio of lower case to capital letters – 1:4

• Total Scrabble value – 7

• Total number of dots found in title -  5

• Ratio of dotted to non-dotted characters in title -  3:4

• Ratio of Is (upper- and lower-case) to non-I characters in title – 4:3

• Roman numerals suggested by title – 1000, 1, 3

• Ratio of characters in written title to syllables when title is spoken aloud – 7:3

• Number of characters that would resemble each other rotated 90 degrees had they chosen to use Arabic instead of Roman numerals: 2

• Letters in title that resemble their Scrabble value, albeit sometimes rotated 90 degrees: %100

• Letters in title that are identical to their Scrabble value: %50

• Characters in title that have no Scrabble value: 2

• Word that you might mistake title for in the absence of colons: Mill

• Title acceptable by spellchecker: No

Comments

[BRAD GREY]

To: MARKETING DEPT.

From: BRAD GREY

RE: Re: SOME RATIOS AND STATISTICS REGARDING THE TITLE OF TOM CRUISE’S NEW MOVIE “M:i:III”
--
Before we go national with this, there are still some ratios and statistics left unanswered, specifically:

* Percent likelihood if mistaking capital I's for lowercase l's.

* Have we tried using a font with a higher palindromic coefficient? (We need to consider people who may see the billboard in rearview mirrors)

* Not enough I's in Tom Cruise; suggest TIM CRIMIMUM

* What does the title sound like when spoken really fast?

* opening date is inconsistent. Can we change this to read 05.05.05?

* By what ratio will reading comprehension be reduced when the title is translated into phonetic spanish?

* Why is the i lowercase? To what degree may this confuse our core spanish-speaking demographic?

* Product tie-in: Can we put the word iPod or BVLGARI in there somewhere?

* Change Tom Cruise to iPod BVLGARI III

BRAD

[TIM CRIMIMUM]

SUBTITLES, people. Why am iIi the first person to briIing this up? People don't want a movie with SUBTLETY, they want a movie that's SUBTITLEY. Viewers today demand their money's worth, even if they're just reading a newspaper ad or marquee (or marquis). Let's pack a whallop! How about M:i:III: MISSION TO BVLGARiIIUM?

-Tim Crimimum

[Jon Cannon]

two words: Paris Hilton.

[Sandan Ryanoval]

Reshoot for the purposes of special effects that make Tom Cruise proportionally 1-1/2 times larger than he is right now? so like, he's almost 8 ft tall? That would be a lot of fun. "K" Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

[Pekin]

I had no idea Brad Grey has the same email address as Tim Heidrich. Coincidence? Have you ever seen the two in the same place at the same time? Perhaps the m:i:iii title is sarcastic.

[Jon Cannon]

It's the start of tim saying m:i:iiiii what an asshole you are. aren't. whichever way is snarkyest.

[gina]

HAHAHAHAHAHA...sigh~

p.s. i watched u read on the bus because i recognized you from the farmer's market

[copyranter]

jesus, I now have an impossibly big-ass headache.

[sparks,lily]

i do want to point out that mi:ii:lll or whatever (not feeling the scroll) is clearly imitating the 00:00:00 time code format, but that is negated with the third roman numeral, so it should have been like mi:II:03 or something...I think what we can all agree on is that call him what you want Tom has a small window of being still genuinely profitable before he enters the michael jackson hinterlands of questionableness. So lets milk that tiny little tit while we can.
MUCH LOVE PARAMOUNT!!!!!!

[Myles]

The title of this movie has more dots than 101 Dalmatians, 102 Dalmatians, and 101 Dalmations 2 put together. -M.