Birthday Thanks

My birthday has come and gone, and I must thank all of you who made my 24th such a cheery and memorable occasion. I received a bunch of really neat stuff, so before I forget, let me thank everyone for their wonderful gifts, namely:

Jackie & Luther-- thanks so much you two for that magic Mexican tarantula you got me that glows in the dark. You were right about it being able to hover. It keeps smashing itself against the glass ceiling of the terrarium. Anyhoo, I have named it Anastasia and am routinely terrified of it killing me in my sleep.

Gil-- Hey man, ain't nothing quite like being able to punch someone in the face with little to no consequences, and you knew that. So thanks for hiring those day laborers to come by and take a couple for the team. I plan on having some of them back to do my driveway. In any case I sent them all off with their own six packs of Tecate, so there were no hard feelings.

Kathy-- I appreciate the offer, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable bringing a child into this world under such frivolous circumstances. And again, it's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust anything about you, or your general state of health. Plus those mouse murders you described to me through AIM still have me a bit weirded out.

Daphne-- Delicious meat loaf, but was it really necessary to make it the size of an ice chest?(!) There are not supposed to be full carrots and celery stocks in this dish, normally. Still luv ya tho, babe!

Gary and Stephen-- Even if he was okay with it, I personally don't think slavery is a fair thing. I gave the man a ride to the beach and dropped him off with a jug of water and a map of California. I think I saw his face on the news the other night in relation to a warehouse fire.

Derek-- Interesting that a person that small exists. Though he disappeared pretty quickly with a pillow-case, my skateboard, and some kitchen utensils. My theory is that he fashioned a wind-powered vehicle and planned to make his way up the coast (there was a note in tiny writing that said "Nowhere to go but up!" ---Tiny, the Tiniest Man in the World). I think I heard a cat hissing and Tiny's voice shout, "Shoo! Shoo!" by the shed last night, so maybe he is still gathering supplies for his journey. He was sort of too much of a complainer though, and he always talked over movies, so maybe good riddance. Bummer, I never got to take funny pictures of him with my old Ninja Turtle toys.

Samuel-- Are you in a cult and are you trying to get me to join? Sorry, I don't want to see you for a while.

Jasmine--There is such a thing as too big a pillow and you gave it to me.

Marty-- How do I say this? Your heart was in the right place, but birthdays are supposed to be about life, not giving me Polaroids of a seagull that you killed with rocks. Plus, I don't care if it is dedicated to me in whatever roundabout way you claim, please take down the website connecting Mo'nique to The Zapatistas. Also, "Live" is not really my band, but cool that you carved it into your own forearm, I guess.

Hank-- A cute thought, but I doubt Macy Gray would write "Macy Gray's chonies" on her own underwear and have nickels glued to the inside of the crotch. Nice try, but I am counting this as a gag present.

Bobby-- I don't care how you did it, but thank you so much for the half-bunny-half-snake creature. It is so neat to have a furry snake with a rabbit head. Sometimes I wear it as a scarf. It purrs when it sleeps in a coil by the heater. The poop is so weird looking.

Shannon--You were talking too fast for me to understand you, and then you tried to kick yourself in the butt. Thank you (?)

Terence, Jeanny, Travis, and Manny---Wow this is truly the coolest gift ever. I didn't even know there was such a thing as vanity blood transfusions. The pamphlet says the procedure includes a blood dye, which will make all the blood in my body a color of my choice for 6 whole months! It will be so neat to finally have bright yellow blood! Thanks for the plane ticket to Prague too, as this is not legal in the United States (whatever). The doctor over there has a fully functioning third eye that he put in himself (Def' opportunity for a new Myspace pic)

Thanks everyone!

Comments

[Jon Cannon]

With hits like "Dolphins Cry" and those 3 other songs that sound like "Dolphins Cry," Live is EVERYONE'S band!

[Myles]

I don't get thanked for giving you a communicable disease? -M.

[Hannah]

Hello!

I am contacting you because I am working with the authors of a book about blogs, and I'd like to request permission to use a photograph of yours in this book. Please contact me at hannah@wefeelfine.org, and I'd be happy to give you more information about the project. Please paste a link to your blog in the subject field. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Hannah
hannah@wefeelfine.org