Acceptable Trucker Hats

TRUCKER HATS: NOT COOL. NO ONE CAN WEAR THEM ANYMORE EVER. Except for THESE hats, worn ONLY by the following people:

1: Go Sorbonne! Trucker Hat

The Sorbonne is the best higher education available to human beings. This hat is ideal for two kinds of people: those who have gone to the Sorbonne, and those who have not gone to the Sorbonne. No matter what your relationship is to the Sorbonne, you should be wearing this hat. Mathematics, metaphysics, and the spinning spires of language and literature are just a few of the associations you are saying "Go!" to.

2: Bi Raiders Trucker Hat

This is a great way for bisexual Raiders to meet and greet at Sports Functions. If you are hoping to spark a possibly same sex attraction with another Raiders fan, this hat is your passport to romance at rowdy sports bars, football games, and pre and post game street riots. Shout out your "Raider Pride" that Raider fans are known the world over for.

3. Quilting Trucker Hat:

Finally, your mom can wear a trucker hat. This way your friends will know you were raised cool, and your mom gets the coy reference to traditional Shaker quilting patterns and the respect of every Melrose bartender in town (Melrose has unofficially declared it will never say die on trucker hats.)

4. Still Super Trucker Hat:

This hat is custom made for an elite group: aging supermodels. Christie Brinkley could get one of these in the mail, for example. Only SUPERmodels please, or else it will just get anxious glances. Also allowed would be putting this atop the late Christopher Reeves' headstone. RIP.

5. Bulimic Trucker Hat:

You probably think this is for skinny girls, but its not. This hat is to be worn by the fattest ass lass at the party. Why? It lets young 'uns know bulimia doesn't work! Prevents eating disorders. If you are a large woman, save some lives and put this hat on. It is your social obligation to your fellow womyn.

6. Gwyneth Paltrow Flames Hat

There is one person who can wear this hat, and that's Gwyneth Paltrow.

Comments

[Myles]

What would a dead, quilting, bi-sexual Chris Reeves wear on his first day at the Sorbonee? Answer: Smucker's Uncrustables. -M.

[BiBaseballFan]

Okay, these hats are awesome! I want all of them except for The G P hat, ity probobly smells like crap or a scent of "holier than thou".

[price]

your mom has a sore bone!

[Arden]

This is genius! Thank you.

[janson]

I think we're still missing a hat. Where's the "Leukemia-O's" brand hat for all those little survivors out there?

[Myles]

Sorry, Janson, I sold that hat at the garage sale. I didn't know you still wanted it-- you shouldn't have put it in the green bin. -M.