AMERICAN IDOL: TOP 9 RECAP

Hello there, folks!  Brian Dunkleman here.  You may remember me as the "other" host during the original--and best--season of American Idol.  As you know, I made a decision to leave the show to pursue a career in acting.  How is it going so far, you may wonder?  I'm not going to lie to you, reader, it's not going well.  Not at all.  I go out on auditions at most once a month, but all I've been able to book so far is a non-Union commercial for Papa John's.  I had to pretend to eat pizza for seven hours, spitting mouthful after mouthful into a bucket, and then when I saw the finished commercial I realized that I'd been digitally removed from the shot!  My only question now is, did the producers receive a well-placed phone call from Ryan Seacrest... or was it Simon Cowell?  Or did they remove me due to my terrible, terrible sunburn that couldn't be concealed with makeup?  Anyway, now here I am... returning to the subject I know best: American Idol!  I don't have a television anymore, but I've brought my notepad to the display floor of the Sears electronics department, and I'm ready to bring to you the wit and insight that helped shepherd Miss Kelly Clarkson into the America's hearts.  (If this recap ends abruptly, it's probably because Sears has asked me to leave again, and I will have to find a living room to peek into instead).

* Well, well, well!  It's Tony Bennett night on American Idol.  He has sold over 50 million copies of "over 106" albums, and THEN won 16 Grammies.  Does this guy ever sleep?  Holy jeez!  Mr. Bennett tells us that tonight's theme is the "best songs written in America."  Sir, my eyebrow will remain raised until I hear "Islands in the Stream."

* First up is Blake Lewis, singing "Mack the Knife."  I have been suspicious of Blake Lewis from the start for a few reasons: (a) he looks vaguely mongoloid; (b) he's from Seattle and that's like saying you're from Atlantis; and (c) he makes popping and clicking noises with his mouth and that's unprofessional in this here SINGING competition.  But he sports a powder blue blazer and lays down a scorchin', modern version of this serial killer-themed track and ends it with a little bit of scat, and anyone who knows me knows that I love scat.

* Waiting in the wings are Phil Stacey and Melinda Doolittle.  Now, I ask you, America.  If these two were to have a child, would it be too genetically perfect to even gaze upon?  The child would simply glow, a beacon of beauty and hope to lead us out of the dark.

* Next up to perform is Phil Stacey!  He is completely bald, with sad, sweaty eyes, and teeth that have been sharpened to spikes.  The question is not whether he'll sing the song well, but whether he'll also jump from the stage to chase down and consume a possum.  The glamorous Miss Paula Abdul says he resembles a young Frank Sinatra, and I totally get that.

* Then Melinda Doolittle goes up and shows everyone how it's done. Her hair is flat-ironed, and a little girl in the audience is holding up a poster that says "Melinda Rocks!" which is a scathing, viciously ironic thing to say.  I'm glad her name is Melinda Doolittle, because that's what she does for me.  She looks like if Pumpkinhead were a primordial dwarf and dressed up as a 50-year-old Garbage Pail Kid for Halloween.  She sings that song "Who Could Ask For Anything More" and she sounds pretty jazzy, but to quote Miss J on America's Next Top Model, "she's a no-neck monster."  I can't believe she's going to win this thing.  How does she get so many votes?  Is it because people think they're voting for the bossy midget on Grey's Anatomy?

* Waiting in the wings are Chris Richardson and Jordin Sparks.  Again, I'm compelled to imagine their offspring.  Keeping in mind that Chris used to be obese, all I can envision are those giant sweaty babies in the junkyard in Nothing But Trouble.

* Dear readers, I have just seen the commercial for what I consider to be the most anticipated film of this year.  Now, I have seen many films about wacky and crazy dogs--I would even venture to say that's my favorite genre--but it looks like Firehouse Dog is going to be a game-changer.  Not since Beethoven or Air Bud have I seen a dog that is such a rascal!  It does flips, it sky-dives, it covers its face with a paw in embarrassing situations!  This movie may even be as good as--dare I say it--Bingo, the gold standard in canine rascal films.  I'm going back to my apartment to find my sleeping bag, because this is going to be MY Star Wars.

* Next up, Chris Richardson melts the ice-cold hearts of America with his b-boy style and a falsetto reminiscent of a young Michael Jackson.  A girl in the audience wields a poster cleverly labeled "Chris Rich -- with R&B!" and I couldn't agree more.  The judges all love him, and I don't blame them.  Come on, America... why vote for a currently fat American Idol when you can have one that threatens to blow up again at any second?  The anticipation will be delicious.

* Jordin Sparks sings "On a Clear Day" and does so with crispy hair.

* Waiting in the wings are Gina Glocksen and Sanjaya.  The gender politics of this duo are enough to throw even the most seasoned sociology professor into a tailspin!

* Gina sings "Smile" written by Charlie Chaplin, which kind of sounds like "Somewhere Out There"  from An American Tail and-- oh, I'm crying now.  This is the third time I've cried during this recap (but only the first time in relation to American Idol).  Incidentally, Gina has two corn-rows on the front of her head, and a pierced tongue that makes her sound retarded when she talks.  Go Gina!

* Sanjaya completely freaks out Tony Bennett by having facial stubble.  I haven't seen an old man that confused since the YMCA added elliptical machines.  Then Sanjaya performs in a too-big white suit and wet-look hair.  He moseys over to Paula and they dance, but modern day Paula is NO old-school Paula, and Sanjaya is NO M.C. Skat Cat.  When the song is over, the judges are mortified and the audience applauds through its collective shame.

* Oh my good Lord, now I've seen it all, folks!  In Chicago, a coyote went into a Quizno's!  I am not joking. I wonder if the coyote ordered a Chipotle Roast Beef on Rye?  I will tell you one goddamn thing, I'm staying tuned to watch this story!

* Returning from commercial break, Ryan is caught hugging on Sanjaya's father.  Live television, folks. But anyway, that could've been me he was hugging on.

* Haley Scarnato comes out in a green sequin number and says "Well hello!  Welcome to my Home!"  Speaking of my friend Brenda Dickson, I don't think it's right that she had to go to prison.  Wish her luck!  With the demeanor of a chunky Linda Blair, Haley struts around the stage throwing handfuls of sexy every which way, like a steamier Rip Taylor.

* LaKisha Jones comes out to close the show (and presumably clean the stage afterward).  Folks, she's got the best arms in the business.  Looking resplendent in black sofa upholstery, she gives it her all (but not so hard that her wig falls off).  She ends the performance with the very best "closing face" I've seen all night.  Eyes clenched, lips pouted, a look of concerned serenity.  The judges love what they see, but I love what I'M seeing: back rolls.

So there you have it, folks, your top 9.  Check back tomorrow to see my recap of the results episode!  Things went well tonight, so it looks like I'll be returning once again to Sears.  I'm sure I can round up another bus token somehow, right?

Slam DUNK!  I'm out.

Comments

[fasthugs]

"I'm glad her name is Melinda Doolittle, because that's what she does for me. She looks like if Pumpkinhead were a primordial dwarf and dressed up as a 50-year-old Garbage Pail Kid for Halloween" is the best collection of words I've been lucky enough to read.

[Liz Martinez Sanjaya Malakar Fan]

Sanjaya is more than hot he is SEXY! Yes, all of you people that hate Sanjaya Malakar I am on of the Malacrazy Fanjayas and Sanjaya is HOT AND SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I support my American Idol with all my Heart and I also voted for Sanjaya untill 10:00p.m to keep Sanjaya on American Idol so that Sanjaya could of won American Idol. All of the others weren't my favorite. I didn't like them. THE ONLY PERSON THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH WAS SANJAYA MALAKAR IN A HEART BEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Louise7]

I have a wonderful new to share with fans of Melinda Doolittle she will released her first album in fall and also work on Holiday CD New website to support Melinda Career come join us fans of her. Keep you update about Melinda album and events.

[Louise7]

Thank you for letting us post about our favorite singer. Without this site, it would be really difficult to share the latest news about them.

FREE SONG FROM AMERICAN IDOL'S MELINDA DOOLITTLE! GO TO melindadoolittle.com and get it NOW - FREE! New album released on February 3, 2009! Don't miss it!

Keep updated about Melinda's career at .melindasbackups.com which is a web site owned by Melinda Doolittle. Melinda’s Backups™ is a non-profit supportive association inspired by Melinda and authorized by her to operate this web site on behalf of her fans.

I am one of her backups (fans) and can truly say that not only is Melinda hugely talented but she is also exceptionally kind and gracious