weak nights

Ryan David Sandoval's STUMPIN'

First thing’s first gang: why do some people say the word “tournament” all weird? You know what I mean. They pronounce it like the “u” comes before the “o.”  It doesn’t.  You don’t have a speech impediment for your other words, so WHY for Christ’s sake, do you CHOOSE THIS ONE TO START?  Yeesh.  And another thing: PUH-lease don’t-a-clip-a-your nails in public, or even better: how bout leaving the clippers at home on the bus, eh bub?  There needs to be a Barack-Obama-rule on the Los Angeles Metro that whatever the state your fingernails are in when you step on the bus: Guess what:  That’s what state they remain while you ride, YOU MOTHER MUFFIN BANDIT!  Do you know who I got a problem with these days?  Well I’ll-atells ya:  Hunter Huston: He’s a prick!  Eliot Benjamin:  He shit his pants during Cloverfield! Darren Herczeg: Hey pal, why don’t you call me when you got abs like the late GORDON B. HINCKLEY in the prime of his MORMON YOUTH.  Mike Zara? You WISH your name was “Hike Zafarai,” cause you don’t get outdoors enough.  Wow.  And that’s just the half of it (by which I mean everyone knows you’re really Arabian. Admit it).  Myles Nye ?  Why don’t you brag just a tad more about how your first name is technically plural? Because you’re a DOPE just-a-runnin-out-a-ROPE!  Damn, Tim heiderich: Got a killer slam DUNK but too WHITE to know it! It’s a damn shame, but not as much as Harp the “nothing rhymes with ‘Harp’” Pekin: Dude so Turkish his first word was “genocide.” Price Peterson:  Everyone knows you’re addicted to them YELLOW SHITS that look like DING DONG GAS STATION PASTRIES!  Lily Sparks:  Straight up LADY HIPPIE.  All fixing-and-weaving Nagchampa incense into her hair buns and tannin' down in VENICE BEACH with BOTTLE CAPS all UMBRELLA-IN' over her shut LIDS. Oh No JUNK: What’s UP with the DEAL with Jon Cannon the man with no MEALS? He has never seen FACES OF DEATH.  He does not know DEATH.  HE does not know DEATH.  What a JUNK-PUD.  Helen Harlan? Don’t even do a THING.  She holds switchblades where most FEMZ hold tampons.  UGGHHHHHHHH. DAMN!

I'm OUT!

2 tim

Gaggin Off: Whoopee Bean Bag Chair!

Seems Like the Aunt Bette Thank You Note Season Starts Earlier Every Year

Last year:

Br'er Ryan's Survival Tips and Hlepful How-s-abouts

Greetin's mefolk, I'm Br'ere Ryan and I've spent my share of time in the Bush, or "woods" as you city slickers would call it.  That'sum how come your ways are so backward for. DON'T EVER  FRET! I got a gunny sack swell-belly brimmin' with a trapper's treasure in hardcaught-advice, from none other than me, Bre're Ryan, Ma'story is just that same old tale of teen-juvenile hall-runaway-turned-scofflaw-turned prisoner-turned drifter-turned naturalist-currently surviving in the darkest resesses of cities and states all across America: forests.

Tip #1 If you ever come across a nest of bird eggs all alone...          

face it face it face it face it face it face it

ORALE HIJOS! That’s one heck of a lot of chips you have there!  Why are you with that many chips?  Probably a party?   

"thanks a lot for my new nickname 'Back to Back Owl Head,' "

Kid parties are the best.  I’m sure you’ve got every angle covered. Tunes, soda, napkins…etc. What’s that?  No salsa?! Youngblood, you can’t have a party without salsa.  Just what ARE they teaching you in the classroom these days? 

"IT IS A BASIC COMPONENT OF FOOD"

I work and work, driving my fingers to their holy bones, and yet still the Tax Man demands more of my hard earned dollars so the public school system can teach Sally June and Billy Merle what sperm looks like under a microscope—revealing the secrets of God to middle schoolers, just what ARE you thinking, Law Makers?  I saw a kid strolling down the way nursing a bag of flour like it was a baby.  I said to that kid, "are you insane at a young age? That thing ain't alive, and it's reverser than being alive, because you can make food out of it.  IT IS A BASIC COMPONENT OF FOOD."  Then, get this, I had to use my adult advice to tell the idiot that if she cried into her baby, it would weaken her "baby's" skin and eventually make its insides clump up.  Um, yeah--not quite like in real life kiddo. Dumb.

Anyway, thanks a lot to the Y(s)OU(p-headed)TH of the Boo(u)Knighted S(late Report/Little Man)Tates UN-(d)of (like dove/the oppisite of peace) A(shes to ashes) MER(mermaid would be a better president)I(thinka-I smell-Rat, New York)CA for my new nickname “Back to Back Owl Head,” because I’m so stitched, I got anger-steam piping out of my two ears like two back to back owls hooting out puffs of guff! ENUFF!  So much streams of guff-puff is jetting out of my own head that I got half the Italians in town following me around with their piping hot meatballs, trying to get me to cool them off.  I got so much guff-torrents beaming out of my head that I got Polynesians following me around TRYING TO PLAY
AIR -LIMBO BESIDE MY FLANKS!

Here are three things you can do to write your congressman:

1) Grab a pen:  Really folks, it’s that easy, just get a pen, and position it in your hand like it’s a small person whom you are supporting; their legs with the index of your fingers, and the hand-fold, with their lower back.

2) Give a care!  Write about something you worry about.  Write a list of your worries, from least worrisome, to most worriful.   A good congressman will know what to do from there. Example:

         "Dear Senator Jeremy,
                    -Candy holder hooks at Rite-Aid catching my eye as I stroll by
                    -The Economy
                    -Not Enough time to get to my haircut appointment
                    -Do ever forget how to read?
                    -Bone Termites (if they come into being, we humans are doomed!)
                    -Our children of the world
                    -Wiz Kid Genocide!!!!
          Sincerley,
                 Billy Jenkinson"

3) The Post Office:  Is a place where it’s a train station, but for letters.  A good trick is to color an envelope like a train engine, or a caboose (not a butt, Bozo!)  A good postmaster will get the metaphor.  Go fir it!

Brought to you by Gendleman’s Salsa Sauce for Kids

      

Alright everybody come in from the patio, we just got our first noise complaint!

I know it’s hot inside Dex, but we can’t have the cops coming here and breaking up the party. If they send everyone home, you can’t trick Becky into drinking your Dex-Double-Beck's-For-To-Make-Sex beer mixer that always helps you score with unwitting young women. I know, I know you’re going to need two bottles of Beck's to make it, just walk toward me and stop shouting at Fat Mike.

Hey! Whoa! Come on, Jefferson. Get that out of your mouth, I didn’t buy that and put it on my tiki-themed patio so you could put it in your mouth. Jesus. I didn’t even know a human being could do something so filthy. Get in the house before you get us all arrested. Someone help Jefferson get that out of his mouth!

Christa, come inside, there’s a bottle of water waiting on the counter. I know, I know! But you told me to cut you off when the puke on your shoes went from blue to pink, and it looks like you’ve moved on to green. Eric told you that the green drink was a Chlorophyll supplement? Naw, it’s mostly just his bathtub brewed Ecstacy that he calls Erecstacy, which is an unfortunate name for a number of reasons, not limited to the fact that about 15 guys in the party drank most of it in the hopes of gaining a raging erection but they are now just touching all up on eachother and making out with my lampshades.  Anyway, Christa, I’ve gotta cut you off. Sorry girl, just head to my room and I’ll be there in a few.

Jachelle! Yo, Jachelle come inside and please stop shouting, we got a noise complaint! Jachelle I know your mother just died, and I’m sad to hear it, but you’ve got to come inside. She was also named Jachelle? Wow, then this might not be the best time to tell you that I think your name is really stupid. Just really awful. Jachelle? It sounds like a venereal disease had a child with a sea creature, probably a mollusk. I mean anyone named Jachelle, living or dead, should be ashamed, maybe even consider putting that baby to bed, you know? Cancelling their subscription to LIFE magazine... I'd stick my head right into an oven if my name could easily be mistaken for the sound made by a man eating and vomiting out someone else’s corny excrement. Now get inside and help Jefferson get that thing out of his mouth!

Marcus, don’t puke there! That’s not a toilet! Oh, you were just calling out to Jachelle? She’s gone inside. You’ll recognize her: she’ll be the one with the stupid name.

Sighted at the Courthouse 2

Okay door, you're under arrest.

Sighted at the Courthouse 1

Jury duty isn't so bad if you bring a camera!

Where were you?

Waek NighVerwer Challeneg!

Most can agree that it's hard to watch this performance of "Be Our Guest" from the Disney animated film "Beauty and the Beast," without a smile across your face like a warm sunrise. Why just watch yourself: Charming, no? Now, try enjoying it knowing that I beat off to this video constantly for 3 minutes and 23 seconds. (Hard to keep up with the "big finish," ya know?: