weak nights

Say It With a Gag Gun

Everyone can agree that traditional methods of celebration are boring.  Agreements on things that are boring are the worst kind of agreements.  That ain't what life's about.  That's how come Weak Inc. invented  a zany new take on the classic goof, the gag gun.  You remember the gag gun?  Those silly weapons clowns and cartoons would use to shoot a flag that said "bang!" Well they're back and better than ever.  Simply point the wish-weapon in the direction of whoever you want to surprise, and pull the trigger...on happiness!  Fun for all occasions, including:

Mother's Day!     
Imagine the look on mom's face when she's staring down the barrel of steel, her life flashing before her eyes like a tv with bad reception, as she's swiftly forced to accept death by progeny, when all of a sudden instead of a hot leaded brain enema, she's met with this banging message of love and honor.   

Graduations!

For the grad in your family, convince ol' egghead that you're murderously jealous of her academic achievements by making her face some weight.  Tearfully force poindexter to admit that she does not think she is better than you, then pull the trigger on this flaggy show of support.

Birthdays!

Ain't no better time to confront your own End than on the very day you were born. To finish on the same day you began is like a tidy poem derived from math.  Lead a rousing, gun-point rendition of "Happy Birthday," proposing to help "blow out the candles" by playfully inserting the gun in your own mouth.   At the height of fervor, let this gag o' the year rip and prepare to be the subject of an impromptu "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

Plan B for Hillary Clinton

As Barack Obama is coming into focus as the likely Democratic nominee, speculation is swirling. What will become of  his opponent, Hillary Clinton, who has groomed herself for the Presidency these last four decades? A few suggestions, if I may:

• Hillary and Al Gore could form an unbeatable team in next season’s Amazing Race.

• she could sign a multi- million dollar contract to endorse a new fragrance line, one as classy and provocative as Hillary herself.

• Ms Clinton could always return to Narnia and re-establish her Reign of Eternal Winter.

• You know what would be great? If a trio of multicultural, middle-aged women who are all best friends with Hi-C whisked her off to vacation. Can you imagine straight-laced Hillary her first morning underneath the sun of a Tuscan vineyard?

She'd come out the first day in a bee keeper's hat and stiff leather brogues, clucking her tongue over the bright sunlight, the ancient plumbing, and "that ridiculous language!" Over the course of an unforgettable summer, she'd be seduced!- by a gorgeous 20 year old named Victorio and the irrepressible spirit of the Tuscan countryside. Come harvest, she'd be dancing arm in arm with the old vineyard keeper, Signorio Felice, in the stomping bucket, barefoot in a white dress soaked through with unfermented wine. They laugh like children! "Bellissimo! Mange!"  What better way to learn about wine, love--life!

See Hillary? Whatchoo waitin' for! Pack your bags, withdraw from the race, and soar. 

 

Celebrity Sightings: Starstruck at [redacted].

For two years, Kelsey McConnell worked at a popular coffee chain.  This is her story.

Geena Davis is really tall and, while polite, has a huge head.  Officer Raineesha Williams from Reno 911 gave me a congratulatory "um Hm!" when I remembered her drink.  I happen to know that a number of commercial actors do not, in fact, have the conditions they profess to suffer from on the TV.  Jack White gets soy milk.  The guy who played Eddie on 6 Feet Under used his own head shot as a screen saver on his laptop, and he hit on every woman who passed him in way that said, “I’m not a gay, I only play one on TV.”  It's Pat was truly gracious after I made an inane comment regarding Nora Jones and she seemed like a pretty awesome mother. 

Around the same time a co-worker lent me his copy of Freaks and Geeks, Busy Philipps started coming in almost daily for a medium drip coffee.  Unlike the majority of our regular customers, she was an impressively regular person.  Word behind the counter was that she had dated a Barista.  During the morning, we would chat about the sugar content of the low-fat muffins and when I got off work, I’d pop in whatever disc of Freaks and Geeks I was on, and she would appear on my TV.

While my Busy Philipps period felt bizarrely post-modern, the only person who made me feel physically overcome with excitement in two years of working in "high profile stores" was Courtney Love.  I've never really been a fan; she was good in The People VS. Larry Flynt, right?  But I was totally star-struck when Courtney Love walked up to the counter. 

Her face was pretty weird looking, and I tingled with the anticipation of the scene that was about to unfold, the craziness that she could pull from her proverbial hat.  She ordered a latte, I rang her up, she paid in cash and left a reasonable tip.  And then we both waited as her drink was prepared, Courtney sitting at a table, me pressed against the counter.  She got her drink when it was ready, took a sip and walked out the door.  She didn't spit on anyone or throw a chair, she didn't even say a swear.  Anne Heche made twenty times the scene that Courtney Love made.  Still, in the midst of some mundane task at [redacted], I often recalled the excitement I felt when I saw her first walk through those glass double doors.

The Lead Singer of Vampire Weekend is Some Dork

Hip or not man, this kid's a real doofus. I mean look at the fella.  He looks fresh off the stage of some high school quad eating area (I mean to say his band probably gained a following during high school, and is made up of band geeks).  These dorkos missed some much needed poundings along the way by the big dogs of the campus.  The only string section these nerdwads should be familiar with is the string of beatings received in the section of their face.  This kid's professor father is probably all proud of him, thinking back fondly on the times he and his achieving son spent in their socks, listening to significant LPs and perfecting guitar maneuvers in the downstairs den.  It is a blemish on society that we let former band geeks get away with being anything besides a national embarrassment.  They were dorks back in the day, and just because they got quirkier in life, doesn't mean that original seed of dorkiness has germinated into anything besides a massive dork flower.  Which reminds me, what is this kid's name anyways?  Lewis? Probably something that rhymes with "dork flower." (Most likely 'spork cower'--like he is such a weakling that if you threatened him with a plastic spork from your high school cafeteria, he would all cower and stuff.  Stork glower? In the sense that a snork would glower at him as a baby, because he knows what a massively shameful geek-o-the-week times a 1000 this kid is going to be.  Alas, my wit has exhausted me.  "Look outside the raincoats gone, oh, oh oh..." indeed.

I, Wonder

Take a Hike, Internet Comedy

Everyone knows that comedy on the Internet has more than run its course.   There are simply too many funny videos to keep track of these days, it's enough to drive a body, INSANE.  Wait, there's a doctor on tv right now commercializing the prevalence of genital herpes.  Apparently, genital herpes is pretty common.  If this advertisement (pronounced the British way ((and "British" pronounced the American way ((("American" is pronounced the Italian way)))--anyways, if this advertisement is any indication, couples likely to have genital herpes are the same couples that dress in pale yellows and relax on whitewashed planks of their deck behind their waterfront home.  Couples with genital herpes enjoy sunsets just as much as couples without genital herpes, maybe even more so. 
Well, I Love You...

The End

'Mad' scientists increasingly seeking terrorist benefactors

AP Wire, Libya – Following the success of such eccentric scientists as Emmet Brown and Tony Stark, fringe scientists and engineers are increasingly turning to the deep pockets of international terrorism to unwittingly fund their research.

The people behind so-called "crackpot" inventions face an uphill battle when competing for venture capital domestically. Cancer researcher Glen Heibeck says, "That's why I'm taking to the hills of Afghanistan. Hopefully I'll get kidnapped and asked to build an atomic bomb or something. Maybe then I can get my hands on some smart fabric or perhaps some aluminum tubes so I can finish my research."

It's a plan that has worked for cash-strapped inventors and entrepreneurs for decades.

"How else are you going to get the necessary plutonium for the Showtime Rotisserie fuel cell?" asked Ron Popeil, inventor. Popeil has sold over 2 million units of the Ronco food dehydrator, but admits he is troubled by the knowledge that the technology behind it was instrumental in a Sarin gas attack in a Tokyo subway in 1995.

Though most do not share the goals of their bamboozled benefactors, inventors willing to take the risk can reap big rewards. The Tamil Tigers were conned several times by different inventors, causing their campaign of ethnic cleansing of Sinhalese and Muslims populations to be severely cut short, but did give American consumers such conveniences as the Flowbee, Pocket Fisherman, and the Chip Clip.

Mark Grossman, inventor of The Clapper - a remote device for turning off lights, originally intended to replace suicide bombers - acknowledges his invention never would have gotten off the ground if not for his ties to Palestinian nationals.

"I just hope al-Qaeda or Hamas has some need for a weaponized barbecue grill or sandwich press."

It may not be the excesses of Western culture themselves that are an affront to terrorist groups, but rather the means used to attain them. One terrorist spoke on condition of anonymity: "We've been selling opium for months saving up for that detonator. All we're trying to do is take back our land from the corrupt world bankers and Zionists, then this guy steals it so he can make a folding chair you take hiking. You can't help but feel a little betrayed by that."

Just Say No: No, Seriously.

For two years, Kelsey McConnell worked at a popular coffee chain.  This is her story.

While I worked the night shift because it didn't interfere with my substitute teaching, many of my compatriots worked the same because it didn't interfere with their recreational drug regimens. After 4 pm, the walk-in fridge was basically a lactating humidor. Someone was always selling and I blame Group Thought for my maiden voyage on shrooms.

While that experience gave me little more than a profound appreciation for Badly Drawn Boy's album Bewilderbeast and the revelation that the world and all of humanity is a series of interlocking machines, my co-workers' reminisces of past use taught me so so much.

There was Walter, who said that after the FIRST time he did PCP, the friend he did it with jumped to his death from a high rise window. After working with Walter's sister at another store, I asked him who was older. He replied simply, "I don't know" and went back to cutting the tigers out of a roll of Siddhartha Blend stickers.

And then there was Mecq'ah.

My mother warned me against dropping acid (and unwashed hair) by invoking a film strip she'd seen in high school. It showed an aged hippie wandering aimlessly, plagued by constant flashbacks. In doomed tones, the audio reel said these flashbacks would torment him for the rest of his now useless life.

Mecq'ah had done enough LSD to make that PSA a reality. After a co-worker read his birth name on the schedule, she asked how he'd arrived at "Mecq'ah." "You know how a ketchup bottle says 54," he said. "It's kind of like that, plus my Grandmother was Cajun."

One hot summer night, with a line of customers to the door, Mecq'ah stopped all the blenders and doubled over with laughter. After a moment, he composed himself and explained, "they are so adorable, and so funny."

Surprisingly, I found we had a mutual acquaintance: a friend of mine he'd worked with years before at a non-[redacted] job. He spoke with supreme tenderness about how she'd pick him up at his shelter and take him out for long drives and hot meals. He said he'd always wanted to tell her how much that meant to him. Hoping for a Hallmark moment, I told all this to my friend. "All I remember is I had to fire him for stealing and now I still see him everywhere," she responded.

A year after I left [redacted], I was walking down my block when I heard someone screaming my name. I turned to see Mecq'ah hanging out the window of a passing BMW SUV, flailing his arms in my direction. I was startled to see him so close to my home, but took comfort in the fact that I was about to move to a new apartment, one Mecq'ah had never visited. But late one night, months after I had moved, he left me a voicemail saying I should go roll up my car windows, because it had started to rain. I figured it was another flashback, until I walked to my car and realized he was right.

Previously:
Bad Santa: Bad, Bad Santa.
Just Have It Your Way, You Expletive Expletive
The Eye of the Siren

Election Primer

With the impending 2008 presidential election a mere seven months away, national polls indicate that most Americans have not yet made up their minds about which candidate they favor.  While the Republicans were able to hoist up a single candidate, the Democrats remain evenly split between two candidates.  In Weak Nights' ongoing effort to improve the inner lives of its readers, we now present to you a primer of the most important criteria yet for selecting a president.

How the 2008 Presidential Candidates Would Look With Ponytails

Candidate: John McCain

Type: Baby's Breath

Comments: The official Republican nominee famously spent five years in a Southeast Asian prison camp during his adventurous youth.  After an experience like that, who could blame him for not wanting to spend five minutes in front of a mirror.  Expect a trim, easily managed ponytail held back with a simple rubber band.

Ponytail rating:  8.0

Candidate: Hillary Clinton

Type: The Silkworm

Comments: No stranger to the traditional ponytail during her husband's administration, First Lady Clinton was famous for accessorizing her ponytail with a headband or couture derby hat.  But now that she's Senator Clinton, she has reinvented herself as a no-nonsense leader with a vision for the country... as signified by the long braid she acquired while on a Native American vision quest.  Her spirit animal?  The mythical albino bat.

Ponytail rating:  7.2

Candidate: Barack Obama

Type: Untamed Heart

Comments: Senator Obama's multi-ethnic heritage ensures an unruly but passionate puffy ponytail that would appeal to people of all demographics.  With this particular pony, he's saying "you won't get the kind of straight, shiny ponytail you've grown accustomed to in politics, but you'll see something different and you'll be pleasantly surprised."

Ponytail rating: 8.4

And now for the fallen candidates, which we include in this primer due to their Vice Presidential nominee potential.

Candidate:  John Edwards

Type: Auburn Wind

Comments: Few doubt that Senator Edwards' ponytail would be the shiniest, best-conditioned ponytail in Washington, but would you be surprised to know that its potential for split-ends is off the charts?  We don't need a Vice President who spends two hours a day applying hot oil treatments.  Voters beware.

Ponytail rating: 5.1

Candidate: Mike Huckabee

Type: Cobra Smoke

Comments: Governor Huckabee has made a career of charming people with his down-home colloquialisms and Baptist piety, but make no mistake: his ponytail would be just as charming.  No matter your position in the room, you will feel like Huckabee's ponytail was watching you, and you'd always be glad for it.  Things will feel a lot less lonely whenever Huckabee's ponytail is around.

Ponytail rating: 8.7

Candidate: Mitt Romney

Type:  Stallion's Promise

Comments:  Just when you think you've got geometry pretty much figured out, along comes Mitt Romney, whose ponytail somehow makes his jaw look even more square.  It's a new kind of hyperdimensional square though, so put away your protractor and just appreciate it.

Ponytail rating: 9.0