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Gillette Sensor, We Are Through
No, I will not "calm down." You have abrased my tender flesh for the last time.
“Self-adjusting twin blades that automatically adjust to every curve and safely respond to every detail of your skin.”
Uh huh.
Bull. Shit. I've been loyal, but this is ridiculous and I will not longer be drawn in by your vicious, follicle-irritating lies. I need you like I need a fish on a bicycle. AKA, I don't.
No, I really don't think things would be any different with SensorExcel, "microfin skin guard" or no. And every member of the Mach family is entirely too wide for... down there.
It's over. Go cry yourself to sleep.
Attention New "90210" Producers!
Dear Producers of the soon to be hit CW show 90210,
I was just sitting here eating another one of my famous Peanut Butter N' Jelly Goldfish Cracker Tortilla Wraps and had a thought: YOU NEED ME TO WORK ON THE NEW 90210! Here are the 12 reasons (9+0+2+1+0=12) you need moi!
1. I KNOW THE SHOW LIKE NO OTHER - Not only was I a fat kid that watched it obsessively in the 90's, now thinner, I watch at least four episodes every night before I go to bed (and I'm not even a meth addict like David Silver!). Basically I can tell the writers what's been done before.
Example: Kelly Taylor has already been brainwashed by a Scientology-like cult AND stalked by a lesbian burn victim! Donna Martin has already been pushed down the stairs by Ray Pruitt AND has had a brief stint as a fashion model in Paris!
2. I HAVE PLOT LINE IDEAS - First off, you need to bring back some of my favorite players. Here we go:
1. Kelly's mom Jackie Taylor could become West Beverly's go-to GILF coke dealer.
2. Valerie Malone and Nat turn The Peach Pit After Dark into The Peach's Pit - a brothel that serves sexy ladies, pie and MEGA BURGERS! Nat could help pimp the girls out including Brenda Walsh (returning only for November Sweeps) who goes by her alter ego Laverne.
3. Andrea Zuckerman (now age appropriate) teaches the newspaper kids over at The Blaze while seducing the cool teen boys with her nerdy womanly charms.
4. Clare Arnold returns. Period.
Basically bring every female actor back (minus Hilary Swank -ugh) and I'll make it work into the plot.
3. I WILL ACT FOR YOU! - As a part-time actor (mainly direct to DVD horror films that should be "so bad they're good" but just end up being "plain bad") you could cast me as Bo, the young funky art teacher who teaches the kids to stop shopping and start creating! OR I could play Andrea's daughter Hannah Vasquez, who's developed a gender identity crisis. Hey, I could definitely play teen right? I mean Ian Ziering started the show at 28 too!
4. I'VE WORKED WITH LORI LOUGHLIN BEFORE - I was an extra on her "hit" show Summerland. We locked eyes at one point.
5. JENNIE GARTH AND I TALK - When I was 12 years old, I sent her some fan mail... her assistant sent me back a lovely pre-printed autograph!
6. MY BEST FRIEND WENT TO THE REAL WEST BEVERLY HIGH - In Torrance.
Okay, that's 6 reasons to hire me and the last three I was reaching pretty hard. Basically there are three two good reasons to hire me at 90210. And if I didn't convince you yet - I make a mean cup of coffee and will work for free.
See you on set! You won't regret it!
:)
Mike
Where Are They Now: Meredith Brooks
Who?
Meredith Brooks is a singer best known for her 1997 hit song "Bitch", for which she was nominated for a Grammy.
Where is she now?
Still being a bitch, I'm sure.
Firrst OFF:___>*)%^_*$#****(#@))__($*^)$**^_!$)_$pink(^+$fart^P&+++=X
"Weak Nights does not condone the maniacal, pot-addled lunacy of M-ke Z#ra as exemplified in the previous post. You know how Arabians can be! Given to congress and conspiracy."
That said, behold...
The Terror of the Deep, the legendary ZZ Top Shark
Meanwhile, at the home of Jaime Escalante Bot..."
"Aye con la cha ha ch acha. Entroto que? Entrot pertroca. El Sharko con ZZ topa?! Que malito!"
and then when he is hanging out with some black and white friends and a hologram dog couch as usual...
STONED? Have a yummy treat!
Look, I know you're stoned okay and really hungry (duh). Why not try my famous recipe, Mike's Cinnamon N' Sugar Popcorn Feast!
MIKE'S CINNAMON N' SUGAR POPCORN FEAST
(1 Serving)
You will need:
2 Bags of Microwavable Buttered Popcorn (but not the kind that gives you that "popcorn cancer")
1 Bag of White Sugar
1 Bottle of Cinnamon
1 Bowl (not that kind silly!)
Hands
Directions:
Simply microwave the two bags of popcorn (there's usually a button that says POPCORN on the microwave). Once the popcorn is popped, pour into a bowl. Take the bag of sugar and pour it over the popcorn for 30-45 seconds (depending on how high you are), Then sprinkle the cinnamon over the sugared popcorn for 15-25 seconds. Take your hands and gently shake the bowl to get the cinnamon sugar on every morsel. Sit down, take another hit, turn on Denise Richards: It's Complicated and ENJOY!
Can your baby stare down the sun?
Lord Ra incarnate, we solute thee! Happy Father's Day
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