weak nights

PEEPTOWN - THE TRAILER!

In a town run by candy, one man stands alone...

Peeps Go Green For St. Pat

    That's right, green is the new yellow. At least for today, these little candies are drunk and look like they might be sick. And you reader, should be too.  Happy St. Patty's from your friends at weak nights.

Our Trip to France

    France is a beautiful country. It's cuisine, art, architecture, fashion, musics and film are among the most sophisticated things people have done ever. But it is Paris, the City of Lights that drew me and my drinking buddy Chloe jaunted on over to take in some culture and discover that essence, that je ne said quoi...please, read on:

Australia

Recently I received an email from my sister stating that she intends to travel to the lowest continent for something she calls "business" this fall-ish. Having done a bit of research on the subject of that guy who directed Gallipoli's homeland, I have a few "tips" and/or "advices" she might take to heart:

1. Today is yesterday in Australia. When setting business meetings plan to arrive 24 hours in advance as opposed to the usual 15 minutes.

2. Rent and/or purchase all three CROCODILE DUNDEE films. It is my understanding that Paul Hogan is like the Australian Jim Carrey or something like that. You can probably buy them used on DVD off Amazon for like ninety-nine cents a piece. I know this because I purchased OCEAN'S ELEVEN used for said price. It didn't come with a case but, like, whatever. I haven't watched it yet so I can't tell you whether it's scratched or not. Also, I don't really know where it is.

3. Don't forget that Fosters is Australian for beer. Someone I knew who knew someone who went to Australia once told me she heard they are big drinkers down there. I'll believe it when I see it. No one out drinks Russians. No one.

4. Above all, be sensitive to Australia's somewhat tragic past. If you talk to an Aboriginal person maybe mention that YOU didn't have anything to do with the Trail of Tears. Then ask for a Fosters and get one for your new aborigine friend. It might also help to mention to the aborigine that you are Irish even if you're not. The Irish hate the English and so do Australians, I think.

Weak Nights Warm Fuzzies:Helen's Holiday Gift Guide

Support the world’s first green comedy team¹ this holiday season by purchasing these cool items made by Friends of Weak Nights.²

ROCK TEASE: THE GOLDEN YEARS OF ROCK T-SHIRTS
By WNF Erica Easley

Do you know anyone who likes rock n' roll, wearing t-shirts and looking at neat, colorful photos? Then this is the book for them. Or they. Whatever. Erica Easley, red-headed Friend of Weak Nights’, spent years of her youth and beauty compiling pictures, interviews, blood, sweat and tears just so YOU, yes YOU, could own “the definitive book on the subject or rock concert t-shirts”³.

At less then 20 bux a pop you can get one for all yo’ babies' daddies, even the ones who can’t read. Available at a lot of stores worldwide (including BOOK SOUP, VIRGIN and SKYLIGHT BOOKS) and also on-line!

A favorite of minor celebrity JOSH COOKE⁴ and disturbed genius crime author JAMES ELLROY⁵, ROCK TEASE will make a hipster out of any square!

Don’t be a poseur: walk the walk of ROCK TEASE this winter! Brrrr!

BEGLEY’S BEST HOME CLEANERS
Made by WNF, Ed Begley Jr.

Keep your house, planet and conscience clean with the help of your friend Ed Begley Jr. of Spinal Tap, Arrested Development and She-Devil fame. EBJ for-sure sells his own eco-friendly cleaner, homemade with of lots of neat ingredients, like pine and maize⁶. Plus, it’s got Ed’s face on it! Neat!

At press time I finally own a bottle, as does Ms. Easley, author of aforementioned book, ROCK TEASE. It’s only like five bucks. Who knew being green cost so few greenbacks.

If you are lazy you can buy BEGLEY’S BEST on-line or at select Whole Foods, but I recommend hauling your fat ass down to the Studio City farmer’s market on Sunday morning and buying a bottle or five from the man himself. Tell him Weak Nights sent you and that might make him smile. Then go see Ed in For Your Consideration and that will make you smile. Good times.

http://www.begleysbest.com/

BE KIND TO WEAK NIGHTS AND WEAK NIGHTS WILL BE KIND TO YOU THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!⁷

---

¹  Fuck yeah.
² "WNF," yo.
³ Harlan, Helen G.
⁴ This is true. The part about him liking the book, I mean. The part about celebrity is open to interpretation. To some, Mr. Cooke may be like Jesus while for others he’s just another dumb looking white guy on TV. Make the decision for yourself and watch BIG DAY on your local ABC station every Tuesday night. Or don’t. I don’t care. Just buy the book, dig?
⁵ This is true-sort of. Ms.Easley did indeed buy a copy of her book, sign it and give it to Mr. Ellroy at a reading some moons ago. I was there. I swear I was.
⁶ Maize, people! Maize!
⁷ [ed. note: Helen, what the shit does this mean??]

BEGLEYWAYCH 2006

So.

Early this week, someone who I thought was my friend (I won't name names¹) told me she saw Ed Begley, Jr. down at the Studio City Farmer’s Market on Sunday, October 29^th.  He was selling a homemade, eco-friendly cleaner, this “friend” said.

This prompted two reactions in me. One, I wondered why Ed had chosen October 15^th, the day I was down at the market, to not show up. Two, obviously this “friend”² had not read my last Weak Nights post which mentioned Ed, his cleaner³ and the Studio City Farmer’s Market in great detail. Busted, bitch, busted.

So, I got to thinking about the upcoming mid-term elections. I don’t know about you fools, but I’ve been itchin’ for a write-in and I think I’ve found my man. Heck, we all know Arnie’s gonna win again, why even vote? Because if you don’t vote, the terrorists win.

Ed Begley, Jr. for Governor!

Here are some things you may not know about Ed:

1.  His father, Ed Begley Sr., was in the film version of 12 ANGRY MEN. I think Spencer Tracy was in that too. But maybe not. I don’t know. I never seen it.

2.  Ed was born in Los Angeles and grew up in Van Nuys. Van Nuys, people!

3.  Begley’s Best is now available at your local Whole Foods. At least it was at mine…over here in Boy’s town. But only the carpet cleaner…not the all-purpose cleaner. So I didn’t buy any.

4.  At press time I still have not bought any Begley’s Best. Maybe I finally will this Sunday. If he shows up.

I’m voting for Ed. And you should too. He’s a good man and a true friend. Not like some other people I know.⁴

ED BEGLEY JR. IN 2006!

¹ Chloe Ellers.
² Chloe Ellers.
³ www.begleysbest.com
⁴ Chloe Ellers

An Open Letter to Our Readers Re: Weak Nights and Global Warming

Dear Readers,

In the wake of the current Global Warming Crisis¹ the suits at Weak Nights Legal HQ have asked us to speak up on any eco-issues pertinent to our brand of cyber-comedy. 

I told said suits to fuck off.  A lot of good that did.

Anyway, what, you may ask, does the environment have to do with us? Us band of misfits? Us Motley Crue? Us rag-tag rejects, us easy riders, us raging bulls? The answer of course, is EVERYTHING.  Jackasses though we may be, we are the world’s first green comedy team.

I myself piss wheatgrass and shit out quinoa² every morning. No joke. And that’s just the beginning.

Some facts, if you will:

• 3 out of 10 Weak Nights contributors drive a Prius. Many other Weak Nights contributors don’t even own cars because they are poor.  Poor and sad.  Pathetic. You know who you are. I’m not naming names.³

• 1 out of 5 Weak Nights contributors love Penguins.

• Weak Nights is neither a carnivore, herbivore nor omnivore. Weak Nights eats code, ONES and ZEROS mostly. Code is low in fat and abundant in third world countries that we exploit through cheap labor. They could use the work.

• Weak Nights is not vegan. This does not mean it is not green, it just means it is not stupid.

• Weak Nights does not own a home, but if it did, it would have an eco-efficient, solar powered green home like Ed Begley Jr. It would also ride its bike everywhere, like Ed. It would also hawk its homemade, eco-friendly housecleaner⁴ down at the Farmers Market in Studio City every Sunday.⁵  It would want to be like Ed. It would want to be his friend.

• When Weak Nights has a lady over, it burns soy-vegan candles and makes love on hemp sheets. Sure, they scratch the ass like sandpaper but such is the sacrifice Weak Nights is willing to make. Weak Nights has no problem getting laid, thank you.

• Weak Nights does not produce any waste. It does not have a colon or any of the other organs above the colon one needs to process and expel waste. It does however get a yearly colonoscopy that it finds humiliating but necessary.

The list could go on forever but I am fairly certain most of you have stopped reading by now. Perhaps Mr. Begley Jr. will enjoy the free publicity and actually show up this Sunday when I try to buy his cleaner, again.

So, there you have it. You can quit your witch-hunt. We’re clean, we’re green, we’re a sex machine that’s a hit with all the chicks.  We’re Weak Nights. And you’re not.

Sincerely,

Helen G. Harlan

 

¹ Lies all lies.
² http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quinoa
³ Lily Sparks, for starters.
⁴ http://www.begleysbest.com/
⁵ Ed did not show up last Sunday. I was there at 11:30am. Where were you Ed? I was gonna buy some of that shit. You let me down.

Timeout, Jared.

Timeout, Jared.

Don't argue with me.

Don't you fucking talk back to me. I am your Cub Scout Leader appointed by the Boy Scouts of America. I'm sure the brass down at BSA HQ would just love to hear about the stunt you just pulled during our knot-tying exercise.

Shut-up.

Didn't your whore-mother teach you not to question authority? Jesus Fucking Christ, I don't know how a little lady-boy like you made it into the Boy Scouts. How the hell am I supposed to provide youth with responsible, fun adventure when you won't shut the fuck up?

I said, shut-up, Jared.

No one asked you to offer your two cents about Billy Finnegan's slipknot. I don't care if it was a compliment. It came off as queer and now the other Cub Scouts don't want to sleep in the same tent as you for fear you may slip them the sausage when they sleep. You know what I meant by that. Fuck.

And, while we're on the subject no one is impressed with your knot tying skills. Or your fire starting skills or your CPR skills. Fuck. Just thinking about you administering mouth-to-mouth makes me sick.

Shut-up. Zip it.

I don't care that the other boys don't tie knots as well as you. The other boys are going to grow up to be real men. Not like you, Jared. Not like you. You might as well get sexual-reassignment surgery and cut to the chase.  You know what that is.  Like you don't watch those specials on HBO about tranny-hookers. Like you don't watch them with your MOMMIE!

Stop crying.

They're laughing at you because you're sad, Jared. A sad little boy.

Don't you give me that "but I'm a cub-scout" shit, Jared. The BSA lets anyone in. You know that. They let you in. Case closed.

Let's go through it, shall we Jared. Let's go through it in front of all your Cub Scout brothers, okay? I don't care if I'm holding your collar too tight. Maybe you've got a fat neck. Maybe you're just a fat fuck, like your prison-bitch dad.

WEAK NIGHTS PERSONALS

SIAM, Single Italian-American Male seeks SWF. Only white girls apply, please. Must be teamster-friendly. Must not have fucked any of the guys in Local #309. Especially not Jimmy Fabrizio. Cuz he got crabs. Long Island local, please. Must like football & Catholic. Please respond with photo and proof of voter/fucking age eligibility to hotwop@yahoo.com.

No fucking Irish please.

 

Cock-Shaped Tree Promotes Thought, Murder in Northern California

REDWOOD FOREST, CA – A peculiar penis shaped tree is drawing crowds and provoking discourse in the famous redwood forests outside of Santa Cruz, California.

Called “Big Mr. Woodcock” by locals and visitors, this Sequoia semperviren is evidence of rare botanical elephantitis according to agrobiologist Dr. Creon Showalter of the UC Berkeley School of Forestry. “Big Mr. Woodcock is a living fossil with a rare evolutionary ‘glitch’ if you will…I see it more as a gift!” Showalter was quoted as saying coyly from his off-campus office in the shit part of Oakland. Showalter continued, “Much like legendary porn star John Holmes, Big Mr. Woodcock is far larger then anyone else in the forest. Hopefully he (Woodcock) won’t die of the gay cancer.”

Naturally, Big Mr. Woodcock has become the Sequoia National Forest’s main attraction evidenced by the many groups of school children that visit every day. “The children find him fascinating. He’s the BMOC if you will,” says second grade teacher Ms. Shannon Pleshette of Fresno’s John Sutter Lower School, “My students need to appreciate and fear him. Not all pricks could possibly be this huge.”

Off campus on a welcome field trip, many of Pleshette’s eight year olds were intrigued and provoked by the suggestively shaped conifer. One student, Antoine Karrem Elijawan observed that Big Mr. Woodcock is “obviously and inarguably African American.” Washington was then challenged by fellow schoolmate Judah David Hershfeld who insisted the dick-tree was “clearly Semitic” and supported his argument by playing the ol’ “circumcision” card. Irish exchange student Michael Patrick O’Shauneseey was about to weigh in and compare BMW to well-hung Academy Award nominee Liam Neeson when violence and terror suddenly erupted.