Imageshack is incredible.
AP Wire, Libya – Following the success of such eccentric scientists as Emmet Brown and Tony Stark, fringe scientists and engineers are increasingly turning to the deep pockets of international terrorism to unwittingly fund their research.
The people behind so-called "crackpot" inventions face an uphill battle when competing for venture capital domestically. Cancer researcher Glen Heibeck says, "That's why I'm taking to the hills of Afghanistan. Hopefully I'll get kidnapped and asked to build an atomic bomb or something. Maybe then I can get my hands on some smart fabric or perhaps some aluminum tubes so I can finish my research."
It's a plan that has worked for cash-strapped inventors and entrepreneurs for decades.
"How else are you going to get the necessary plutonium for the Showtime Rotisserie fuel cell?" asked Ron Popeil, inventor. Popeil has sold over 2 million units of the Ronco food dehydrator, but admits he is troubled by the knowledge that the technology behind it was instrumental in a Sarin gas attack in a Tokyo subway in 1995.
Though most do not share the goals of their bamboozled benefactors, inventors willing to take the risk can reap big rewards. The Tamil Tigers were conned several times by different inventors, causing their campaign of ethnic cleansing of Sinhalese and Muslims populations to be severely cut short, but did give American consumers such conveniences as the Flowbee, Pocket Fisherman, and the Chip Clip.
Mark Grossman, inventor of The Clapper - a remote device for turning off lights, originally intended to replace suicide bombers - acknowledges his invention never would have gotten off the ground if not for his ties to Palestinian nationals.
"I just hope al-Qaeda or Hamas has some need for a weaponized barbecue grill or sandwich press."
It may not be the excesses of Western culture themselves that are an affront to terrorist groups, but rather the means used to attain them. One terrorist spoke on condition of anonymity: "We've been selling opium for months saving up for that detonator. All we're trying to do is take back our land from the corrupt world bankers and Zionists, then this guy steals it so he can make a folding chair you take hiking. You can't help but feel a little betrayed by that."
Got nothing to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon? Here's a great new spin on an old classic to lift your spirits:
Are your parents opticians?
Because they gave you some great-looking tits.
Did your parents breed donkeys?
Because I can see myself fucking your ass all night.
Is your mom a butcher?
'Cuz I would love to pork you.
Were your parents veterinarians?
If so, can I pet your pussy? If not, can I have my dog back?
Are your parents Jehovas Witnesses?
If not, I have some literature I'd like you to give them.
Are your parents Christian?
Good news!
Are your parents Republicans?
If so, then vote RON PAUL 2008!
Were your parents racist?
If so, I think they would have gotten along with my parents.
Completely unsolicited, my inbox is flooded with this exact complaint from women every day. But this merely erects the question: just how big do you need to be to hollow out these vagiants?
Are they just making vaginas bigger now? If you fist a girl do you have to wave your arm around inside like you're calling the farmhands into supper? Is the next woman I talk to going to reveal that her punani was where they filmed The Descent? Maybe tampons should be anchored to a spool of shock cord before being lowered down into the howling maw that is the modern woman's vag. Will newborns simply be pushed out, or will they have to be extracted like Baby Jessica while a tense community looks on?
I mean, I like Dr. Who but I don't want to fuck the Tardis.
These emails may as well have read, "I just started having sex, and the bear hibernating inside my vagina was very startled and upset."
Womens always whooped at me and even fellows did in the open comfort station!
Well, now I smil at them, because I took Brand X for 6 months and now my cock is terribly better than civil.
If this email is written from the woman's point of view, how exactly does her taking dick pills solve her problem? Sadly, her email just raises more questions than it answers. Questions like why is she hanging out with a bunch of howler monkeys? And just what the hell is a 'comfort station' supposed to be? Is that where the Joy Division hangs out? If she means her vagina, I'm sure they'd all fit.
And I know it's coy to use innundo to describe your tool, or member, or junk, rod, pecker, johnson, dick, cock, wiener, schlong, dong, knob, meat, member, phallus -- or even your humps -- but to brag that it's "terribly better than civil" might just border on the obtuse. I mean how much better than civil are we talking?
Also -- and this is probably unrelated -- my Spam filter is busted.
Dear VT Shooter,
I thought I'd share some advice with you, even though I'm sure you're going to ignore me because you're dead.
It can be tough for a young man having to deal with the hundred billion transgressions of his fellow students. Were it me, I would've said "enough is enough!" around 760 million.
But one hundred billion, really? I mean if that's one transgression per second, you must've been schooled, like, 24 hours a day for the last thirty centuries. Not only did you massacre VT's undergrad students, but you're doing a number (no pun intended) on hyperbole as well.
Continue reading "An open letter to the Virginia Tech shooter" »
Here's a list of the new jokes making the rounds...
What did Richard Nixon say when his soufflé fell? "I am not a
cook!"
What did Richard Nixon say to the contractor working on his kitchen?
"Build me a breakfast nook!"
What did Richard Nixon say when he walked out of The Da Vinci
Code? "Wasn't as good as the book."
What did Richard Nixon say to Deep Blue, IBM's chess-playing computer?
"Knight takes rook." "Checkmate."
What did Richard Nixon say to the worm? Look, reader, you can probably finish
this one yourself.
What did Richard Nixon say to offend the Chinese man? He was on a mission of
diplomacy to open up trade between the U.S. and China and would try not to
offend the Chinese man.
What did Richard Nixon say to the star of Suddenly Susan? "I loved you
in Blue Lagoon, Brooke."
What did Richard Nixon do to protect his eyes during the solar eclipse? He
didn't look.
What did Richard Nixon do in the Northridge earthquake of 1994? Nothing, he
was dead.
Please enjoy this educational video of the first ever Thanksgiving!
Hey again Dietrich,
ur girlfriend's been complaining about u in the bedroom again. You're not alone as many talk about is your wife un-happy with the vol of you spearm? Many days you wish to com e like a porns tar, do you.
Does youe wife weep at the though of your sperm not being loud enough? Compleatly cures silent Ejectulation and make you like a shooting cannon or even a car wreck!!
try our PHarrmacy to increase sperrm volume to over 141decibells. New pill makes sex 10000000000000000 times better. money back guarrattee!! !
Hey ears will split with the new volume of your sperm, but will not increats sperm amount and may cause importence!
http://192.168.1.100Buying a Fishing Rod for My Grandfather by Gao Xingjian, review by Deirdre ... In his Nobel address, he stressed the importance of literature as a medium of ...
Talk at ya later, bro!,
morton
agape 800
Here's a list of the new jokes making the rounds...
What did Richard Nixon say when his soufflé fell? "I am not a
cook!"
What did Richard Nixon say to the contractor working on his kitchen?
"Build me a breakfast nook!"
What did Richard Nixon say when he walked out of The Da Vinci
Code? "Wasn't as good as the book."
What did Richard Nixon say to Deep Blue, IBM's chess-playing computer?
"Knight takes rook." "Checkmate."
What did Richard Nixon say to the worm? Look, reader, you can probably finish
this one yourself.
What did Richard Nixon say to offend the Chinese man? He was on a mission of
diplomacy to open up trade between the U.S. and China and would try not to
offend the Chinese man.
What did Richard Nixon say to the star of Suddenly Susan? "I loved you
in Blue Lagoon, Brooke."
What did Richard Nixon do to protect his eyes during the solar eclipse? He
didn't look.
What did Richard Nixon do in the Northridge earthquake of 1994? Nothing, he
was dead.
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