weak nights

Blood, Staples, and More Blood. Or, A Fallen Guitar Hero.

[Go here to read original post about Guitar Hero.]

I was thinking of titling this “Why I Hate Guitar Hero”, but let’s be honest – try as I might, I can’t hate Guitar Hero. It’s like a loved one – sure, it may give some guy a gnarly handjob at a bus terminal, and you’ll be angry, but you’re still gonna love it. Now why am I slightly upset with Guitar Hero? Hopefully this actual conversation will reveal why:

Location: Cedar Sinai Emergency Room
Time : 1:30 am

Those involved: Harp “Guitar Hero” Pekin; Doctor (who was clearly a Paki with a British accent. We talked about Father Ted for a little bit, which the other ER patients were not happy about).

Doctor: So, what happened?

Harp: Well you know that part of the song "Fat Lip" by Sum 41 where it gets all rocking and the band jumps up real high. So, like, I had just done this sick ass split and arm swinging strum in Guitar Hero, this video game where you play a guitar. So anyway, the song is rockin’ and I jump as high as can be. Unfortunately I didn’t realize I was right underneath my chandelier, which has a pointy bottom. It hurt like all hell, but I kept on playing and finished the song. Well during the last solo I noticed all this blood hitting the ground, which struck me as odd. Anyway, turns out there’s a hole in my skull, can you fix that?

Doctor: When's the last time you got a tetanus shot?

Harp: About a month ago, after I went through a window in Vegas on New Years. I'm takin' advantage of that insurance card.

That’s when the doctor pulled out two Guitar Hero guitars, threw me one and we competed. Okay, that didn’t happen, but the doctor did look at my injury, which required my head to get stapled back together. The doctor said he could numb me first, but the needle would hurt more than the stapling. I said okay, but after getting my head stapled I don’t think he was correct.

HOW DO I SAY THIS?

One of the coolest new websites around is called How Do I Say This?  Every day they post a new video that gives advice on how to deal with a particular problem.  The current problem is, how do you tell your friend that they are a bad actor and should quit?  The very rad filmmakers behind this MTVu project kindly asked a bunch of Weak Nights writers to contribute.  (Next week's problem:  How do I tell an internet comedy writer that they suck at it?)

But yeah, check out these videos that feature Weak Nights contributors, and hopefully you'll get a better idea of how to destroy your friends' dreams!

Nye:  Tell Your Friend with Puppets

Pekin:  Break It To Him With a Lie

Herczeg:  Invoke the Bible

Peterson:  Make Fun of His Headshot

Weak Nights Treasure Nugget

"Hard to Do" (0:27)
SFW.  Made by Harp Pekin.

Harp's Sad News

Missed Connections

cleveland craigslist > missed connections > Missed Connections - D&D Convention B4P

Missed Connections - D&D Convention B4P - 17

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Reply to: pers-221766581@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-10-17, 8:35AM CDT


Lookin' for the Paladin hottie who can make my missle magic. I was the Bard Gimble with the rock hard body and 4 sided cock.

Also, the name of a good urologist.

• this is in or around Mom's Basement
  
• no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  

221766581

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A First-Person Shooter

[See intro here.] 

Our next submission is anything but: Mr. Pekin dominates, demonstrating his lash-like wit with a little game of ebony shuffle. Be sure to stick around for the golden climax…

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Okay, so there's this room that kinda looks like the set for the apartment that Sandra and Elvin had when they first moved in together on The Cosby Show. Anyway, in this room there's three beds, each softer than the last, laid out in the shape of a lowercase "t". I lay down naked on the t-shaped bed and get ready for some fan friction, wink wink (I'd use an emoticon, but if I hear a Myspace smiley say "hello" one more time, I'm going to blow my brains out).

Three women enter one at a time. The first is the chick that played the older sister on The Torkelsons, I don't really remember the show that well, but she was hot. So she lays perpendicular to me with her head at my waist, reaches back, and jerks me off in the way that you'd work out your tricep muscles. The second beauty is Hillary from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. But not the early years, I'm talking Hillary right after Trevor died during that bungee jumping accident when he proposed to her on video. So Hillary looks exactly like she did in the episode where they pay $1200 for the séance at this fat fake psychic's house (I wanna say the psychic is the same fat guy from Beetlejuice). You know what I mean, she's wearing that hot as hell black miniskirt/blouse/veil. Anyway, she gets on all fours and lays perpendicular to me on the other side of the bed, with her feet at my waist level. She uses her left foot to play with my balls and sticks the pinky toe of her right foot just ever so slightly in my asshole.

So I let the older Torkelson and the post-Trevor, pre-romance-with-Jazz Hillary diddle my cock and balls in various manners for like 10 minutes. Then, the third and final lady enters. Blanche from The Golden Girls, but she's 19 years old. We all know what a talented whore she becomes in her golden years, just imagine that sweet supple Georgia peach of a body at the age of 19. She has on her Daisy Dukes and lays at the base of the bead with her head in my crotch.

She rubs her ruby red hair up and down my taint. Suddenly, she bites off Hillary's pinky toe - because southern girls don't like any women having toes inside guy's assholes, that's just not decent. The older Torkelson shrieks in horror for like fifteen seconds, and Hillary is surprisingly calm (she may be rich and uptight, but I think she's into pain). Young Blanche kicks both bitches out the room, cleans up the blood stain in a jiff, cooks a pot roast meal, and turns on The Golden Girls. Then Blanche the age she is in The Golden Girls enters the room and I fuck 'em both doggy style, switching from 19-year-old Blanche to what I assume is 68-year-old Blanche.

The two Blanches cum at the same time, ripping the space time continuum to shreds. They both get out of my bed, make me two sandwiches apiece, then leave -- never to return again.

Hard to Do

My Nickname

An Open Letter to Lebanon

The first message was for Iran... Now it's Lebanon's turn.

A Perflexing Afternoon