weak nights

Election Primer

With the impending 2008 presidential election a mere seven months away, national polls indicate that most Americans have not yet made up their minds about which candidate they favor.  While the Republicans were able to hoist up a single candidate, the Democrats remain evenly split between two candidates.  In Weak Nights' ongoing effort to improve the inner lives of its readers, we now present to you a primer of the most important criteria yet for selecting a president.

How the 2008 Presidential Candidates Would Look With Ponytails

Candidate: John McCain

Type: Baby's Breath

Comments: The official Republican nominee famously spent five years in a Southeast Asian prison camp during his adventurous youth.  After an experience like that, who could blame him for not wanting to spend five minutes in front of a mirror.  Expect a trim, easily managed ponytail held back with a simple rubber band.

Ponytail rating:  8.0

Candidate: Hillary Clinton

Type: The Silkworm

Comments: No stranger to the traditional ponytail during her husband's administration, First Lady Clinton was famous for accessorizing her ponytail with a headband or couture derby hat.  But now that she's Senator Clinton, she has reinvented herself as a no-nonsense leader with a vision for the country... as signified by the long braid she acquired while on a Native American vision quest.  Her spirit animal?  The mythical albino bat.

Ponytail rating:  7.2

Candidate: Barack Obama

Type: Untamed Heart

Comments: Senator Obama's multi-ethnic heritage ensures an unruly but passionate puffy ponytail that would appeal to people of all demographics.  With this particular pony, he's saying "you won't get the kind of straight, shiny ponytail you've grown accustomed to in politics, but you'll see something different and you'll be pleasantly surprised."

Ponytail rating: 8.4

And now for the fallen candidates, which we include in this primer due to their Vice Presidential nominee potential.

Candidate:  John Edwards

Type: Auburn Wind

Comments: Few doubt that Senator Edwards' ponytail would be the shiniest, best-conditioned ponytail in Washington, but would you be surprised to know that its potential for split-ends is off the charts?  We don't need a Vice President who spends two hours a day applying hot oil treatments.  Voters beware.

Ponytail rating: 5.1

Candidate: Mike Huckabee

Type: Cobra Smoke

Comments: Governor Huckabee has made a career of charming people with his down-home colloquialisms and Baptist piety, but make no mistake: his ponytail would be just as charming.  No matter your position in the room, you will feel like Huckabee's ponytail was watching you, and you'd always be glad for it.  Things will feel a lot less lonely whenever Huckabee's ponytail is around.

Ponytail rating: 8.7

Candidate: Mitt Romney

Type:  Stallion's Promise

Comments:  Just when you think you've got geometry pretty much figured out, along comes Mitt Romney, whose ponytail somehow makes his jaw look even more square.  It's a new kind of hyperdimensional square though, so put away your protractor and just appreciate it.

Ponytail rating: 9.0

Conclusive Evidence

Don't ask me why but I clicked over to this website that tells you what your IP address is, and then finds your location using Google maps. Normally there is approximately zero reason for me to be interested in this sort of information, but when you sit in front a computer for a living and also throughout most of your free time, things like this might suddenly become interesting.

So here are the results when I clicked on it:

That map is right! I do indeed live in Los Angeles. But let's zoom in to see how accurate this is.

Okay, I don't live that close to Culver City, but I'm still intrigued. Let's zoom in some more.

Here's how I remember it

A Personal Message

Untitled

A Baby Ate My Dingo!

It was horrible! I ran outside and could barely hear the screen door slam because of the loud, awful noise coming from the play area. I fastened my overalls, sprinted barefoot across the gravel and nearly lost my footing as I rounded the tool shed. There, amongst the Tonka trucks and dried up water noodles was my baby... gnawing on a still-twitching paw! Nearby, a disembodied dingo head and torso was screaming, screaming just like a human!

As (what was left of) the dingo dragged itself around the lawn screaming its last death rattles at the apathetic Outback sky, my baby continued to tear live flesh from bone, swallowing the oozing gristle, veins and all. I would have taken a moment to mourn the murder of Mr. Mamabone, my pet dingo, had I not been so powerfully compelled to throw up at the site of my baby's carnage. It was truly disgusting.

Later, at a lunch for the governor, I made the mistake of burping my baby. The stains!

Remembering Ingmar Bergman

The world of cinema lost one of its greatest denizens as Ingmar Bergman has passed on.  Though his mortal coil has dropped away, he leaves behind innumerable treasures imprinted in celluloid.  They will forever prove that this Swedish auteur permanently established himself as a pioneer not only in film technique but also in subject matter-- he was truly fearless in his attempts to light a candle in humanity's darkest corners.  What follows is an abridged list of the masterpieces Bergman made to flicker within our darkened world:

Wild Strawberries (1957)
An academic evaluates his life and realizes it has been an empty charade.

Virgin Spring (1960)
A family of 14th-Century peasants confront their own tensions after their daughter is raped by pagans.

The Seventh Seal (1958)
A man challenges the grim reaper to chess in order to learn the meaning of life... but only learns the meaning of death.

Canned Lust (1957)
Several female boarding school students find themselves locked in the attic and unable to turn down the thermostat.  (*Feature debut of Bergman's niece, Ingrid)

Vicky's Soy Sauce Adventure (1964)
A husband and wife take in a stray dog which they soon learn was raised in China.  The dog goes crazy whenever there's soy sauce around.

Come Over To My House (1970)
Ronnie Stapleton must be the last virgin at Altamount High School... until his parents go out of town and his friends Schneider and Tubby throw him a house party he'll never forget.  But when the Mayor's daughter shows up and brings all her drug dealer friends, Ronnie is in for more than he bargained for!

It Ate Town (1964)
An enormous amphibious cat shows up and eats the town.

Santa's Idiot Bitch*  (1974)
Highly controversial re-telling of the Mrs. Santa Claus fable in which the title character gets pregnant and attempts to collect welfare on Christmas Eve.  Not if Supervising Manager Shirley Townsend has anything to do with it!  (*Officially directed by Alan Smithee).

I Don't Befriend Gang Members (1984)
An elderly professor mentors an inner city youth but only to take advantage of the youth's impressive horse race betting skills.  The professor later murders the devil.

An Island Called Ladytown (1954)
A semi-professional volleyball player decides to base jump when there are high winds and ends up crash landing  in Guatemala.  After she pieces together some ancient ruins and discovers thousands of dollars in treasure, the unimpressed villagers decide to put on a talent show in order to put the dirty gringo in her place.

INGMAR BERGMAN
1918-2007

WHY I LOVE MY PT CRUISERby Candace Cameron

It never thought it could happen to me.  When I stepped off the plane in Burbank, I marched straight to the Hertz desk and demanded a luxury sedan.  I was on vacation, you see, and I intended to drive around Los Angeles in style.  My excited face furrowed to a frown as the rental agent informed me that all luxury vehicles had been rented out, but for an extra $10 would I like a PT Cruiser?  "What on earth is a PT Cruiser?" I asked.  A hush fell over the entire airport as she pointed to a framed picture behind the counter.  My jaw dropped.  "Madam, if that car does indeed exist in the present day--and by that I mean scientists and carmakers in the future have conspired to perfect time travel in order to make my dreams come true--then yes, bring it around."

It floated down the driveway, a fantasy rendered in purple.  My heart raced as I realized that my initial meeting with my husband wasn't love at first sight after all.  At this moment, at the Burbank Airport, I had finally experienced true love. I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  Two, three pinches and the car still stood before me.  PT Cruiser, my name is Candace.

To look at a PT Cruiser, to truly admire its beauty, well that would have been enough for me.  But then I stepped behind the wheel.  Reader, I nearly transcended the human condition!  Before the rental agent had even finished checking for dings, I stomped on the pedal as hard as Jodi Sweetin might stomp on imaginary spiders.  As far as I was concerned, I had taken flight!

Oh, how I drove.

Weak Nights Hollywood Report

Eddie Murphy quietly singing Happy Birthday, then blowing out a single candle on a cupcake.

Paris Hilton at the Ivy accidentally biting her own thumb while eating corn on the cob.

Jennifer Aniston at Subway, getting a "free refill" of Dr. Pepper in a plastic cup she'd fished out of a garbage can outside.

Isaiah Washington shaking a baby in front of a Pinkberry.

Amy Winehouse dropping a box of kittens into a dumpster.

Nicole Richie rearing up and spewing black acid into the face of an autograph seeker, much like the dinosaur that murdered Newman.

George Clooney riding a unicycle down Venice Beach, while also juggling and smoking.

Lindsay Lohan removing a deer paw from the grille of her '94 Pontiac Grand Am.

Sharon Stone on the corner of La Cienega and Beverly "dancing" in a manner best described as an endless series of slow, arrhythmic and awkward shimmies.

Mary Murphy from So You Think You Can Dance, on her hands and knees furiously ripping weeds out of the ground and shouting.

Zac Efron, twisting a handkerchief on the front porch of her Oklahoma farm house and falling to her knees in wrenched panic when a U.S. Army messenger jeep appears on the horizon.

Shelley Long at the Museum of Radio and Television watching old episodes of Cheers.

Matthew McConaughey walking into Big Lots! with an armful of coupons.

Mariah Carey in Puerto Vallarta braiding tourists' hair.

JK Rowling, very badly sunburnt, buying a VHS copy of Shrek 2 at Ralph's.

Julia Roberts at Whole Foods, looking jacked.

An Afternoon with Grandma