weak nights

Plan B for Hillary Clinton

As Barack Obama is coming into focus as the likely Democratic nominee, speculation is swirling. What will become of  his opponent, Hillary Clinton, who has groomed herself for the Presidency these last four decades? A few suggestions, if I may:

• Hillary and Al Gore could form an unbeatable team in next season’s Amazing Race.

• she could sign a multi- million dollar contract to endorse a new fragrance line, one as classy and provocative as Hillary herself.

• Ms Clinton could always return to Narnia and re-establish her Reign of Eternal Winter.

• You know what would be great? If a trio of multicultural, middle-aged women who are all best friends with Hi-C whisked her off to vacation. Can you imagine straight-laced Hillary her first morning underneath the sun of a Tuscan vineyard?

She'd come out the first day in a bee keeper's hat and stiff leather brogues, clucking her tongue over the bright sunlight, the ancient plumbing, and "that ridiculous language!" Over the course of an unforgettable summer, she'd be seduced!- by a gorgeous 20 year old named Victorio and the irrepressible spirit of the Tuscan countryside. Come harvest, she'd be dancing arm in arm with the old vineyard keeper, Signorio Felice, in the stomping bucket, barefoot in a white dress soaked through with unfermented wine. They laugh like children! "Bellissimo! Mange!"  What better way to learn about wine, love--life!

See Hillary? Whatchoo waitin' for! Pack your bags, withdraw from the race, and soar. 

 

Election Primer

With the impending 2008 presidential election a mere seven months away, national polls indicate that most Americans have not yet made up their minds about which candidate they favor.  While the Republicans were able to hoist up a single candidate, the Democrats remain evenly split between two candidates.  In Weak Nights' ongoing effort to improve the inner lives of its readers, we now present to you a primer of the most important criteria yet for selecting a president.

How the 2008 Presidential Candidates Would Look With Ponytails

Candidate: John McCain

Type: Baby's Breath

Comments: The official Republican nominee famously spent five years in a Southeast Asian prison camp during his adventurous youth.  After an experience like that, who could blame him for not wanting to spend five minutes in front of a mirror.  Expect a trim, easily managed ponytail held back with a simple rubber band.

Ponytail rating:  8.0

Candidate: Hillary Clinton

Type: The Silkworm

Comments: No stranger to the traditional ponytail during her husband's administration, First Lady Clinton was famous for accessorizing her ponytail with a headband or couture derby hat.  But now that she's Senator Clinton, she has reinvented herself as a no-nonsense leader with a vision for the country... as signified by the long braid she acquired while on a Native American vision quest.  Her spirit animal?  The mythical albino bat.

Ponytail rating:  7.2

Candidate: Barack Obama

Type: Untamed Heart

Comments: Senator Obama's multi-ethnic heritage ensures an unruly but passionate puffy ponytail that would appeal to people of all demographics.  With this particular pony, he's saying "you won't get the kind of straight, shiny ponytail you've grown accustomed to in politics, but you'll see something different and you'll be pleasantly surprised."

Ponytail rating: 8.4

And now for the fallen candidates, which we include in this primer due to their Vice Presidential nominee potential.

Candidate:  John Edwards

Type: Auburn Wind

Comments: Few doubt that Senator Edwards' ponytail would be the shiniest, best-conditioned ponytail in Washington, but would you be surprised to know that its potential for split-ends is off the charts?  We don't need a Vice President who spends two hours a day applying hot oil treatments.  Voters beware.

Ponytail rating: 5.1

Candidate: Mike Huckabee

Type: Cobra Smoke

Comments: Governor Huckabee has made a career of charming people with his down-home colloquialisms and Baptist piety, but make no mistake: his ponytail would be just as charming.  No matter your position in the room, you will feel like Huckabee's ponytail was watching you, and you'd always be glad for it.  Things will feel a lot less lonely whenever Huckabee's ponytail is around.

Ponytail rating: 8.7

Candidate: Mitt Romney

Type:  Stallion's Promise

Comments:  Just when you think you've got geometry pretty much figured out, along comes Mitt Romney, whose ponytail somehow makes his jaw look even more square.  It's a new kind of hyperdimensional square though, so put away your protractor and just appreciate it.

Ponytail rating: 9.0

The Teen Vote

You can tell it's election season because TVs and computer monitors everywhere are blasting political messages at young voters like tommy guns. Candidates are doing all they can to reach out to this large, unmotivated and traditionally apathetic voting bloc.  Today we've got ObamaGirl and will.I.am electioneering for Obama, while... Well, we're sure there's someone out there rooting for Hillary.  The point is, election commercials these days are just not as good as they used to be.  In order to really tap into that youth vote, you need something flashy, urban and real. Something teens can really relate to.  Like this!

The Guy in the Basement (Campaign Tales From...)

"Oh Hey Donny, what’s up? Just making dinner. I don’t know, this soup and maybe some fruit or something.

"What? Oh, no go ahead and polish that last beer off, it’s definitely yours I just finished those Red Stripes in the back.

"Huh? The guy in the basement? Yeah I put him on your futon, is that cool? I mean you said I could use it so I figured-- okay cool. Yeah I don’t know, he showed up at the door he said he had just gotten off the plane and he wanted to know where the Ramada on Washington was. Yeah I know, I was like, that was closed down years ago, and then he asked if there was a pay phone nearby and I was like “Yeah, right” and the he asks if he could use our phone like we had a land line. I said he could use my cell phone. I called around to some people for him because he couldn't figure out how to call out with it, and he finally got hold of someone's voicemail, so he asked if he could stay around until his campaign manager called my number back.

"So he was just hanging around up here and he looked just fucking bedraggled so I got him some water and he just balled up those little fists and started rubbing his eyes and yawning. I know, he’s tiny, he was sitting right there on that bar stool and swinging his legs a good two feet off the ground. And like I gave him a can of soda and he had to hold it in both hands and he wrinkled up his nose when he sipped it and then he started hiccupping so I poured the rest of it down the sink. 

"I was getting dinner ready while he just hung out by the phone and he was trying to be nice, talking politics and about the primaries and stuff but he could not keep his eyes open. His little head kept dropping onto his chest.  So I was like, well hell, you can stretch out on the futon downstairs little guy, I’ll come get you when the call comes through and he just went down there like without asking twice and curled up on the bottom stair, slapped his hands together and put his head on that like a pillow. 

"Like, so, I didn’t know what to do for him, I pulled out the futon and set him on it. The phone still hasn’t rung. Had a cute little name too, Huckee or something. Anyway, I figure if the call doesn’t come through by the morning I’ll see if he has some like family in the area or something."