weak nights

Anatomy of a Blog

Coming This Fall:

Firrst OFF:___>*)%^_*$#****(#@))__($*^)$**^_!$)_$pink(^+$fart^P&+++=X

"Weak Nights does not condone the maniacal, pot-addled lunacy of M-ke Z#ra as exemplified in the previous post.  You know how Arabians can be! Given to congress and conspiracy."

That said, behold...

The Terror of the Deep, the legendary ZZ Top Shark

Meanwhile, at the home of Jaime Escalante Bot..."

"Aye con la cha ha ch acha. Entroto que? Entrot pertroca. El Sharko con ZZ topa?! Que malito!"

and then when he is hanging out with some black and white friends and a hologram dog couch as usual...

Behold, the Blonde Sea Turtle

My Monument Will Be a Titty Tombstone

Say It With a Gag Gun

Everyone can agree that traditional methods of celebration are boring.  Agreements on things that are boring are the worst kind of agreements.  That ain't what life's about.  That's how come Weak Inc. invented  a zany new take on the classic goof, the gag gun.  You remember the gag gun?  Those silly weapons clowns and cartoons would use to shoot a flag that said "bang!" Well they're back and better than ever.  Simply point the wish-weapon in the direction of whoever you want to surprise, and pull the trigger...on happiness!  Fun for all occasions, including:

Mother's Day!     
Imagine the look on mom's face when she's staring down the barrel of steel, her life flashing before her eyes like a tv with bad reception, as she's swiftly forced to accept death by progeny, when all of a sudden instead of a hot leaded brain enema, she's met with this banging message of love and honor.   

Graduations!

For the grad in your family, convince ol' egghead that you're murderously jealous of her academic achievements by making her face some weight.  Tearfully force poindexter to admit that she does not think she is better than you, then pull the trigger on this flaggy show of support.

Birthdays!

Ain't no better time to confront your own End than on the very day you were born. To finish on the same day you began is like a tidy poem derived from math.  Lead a rousing, gun-point rendition of "Happy Birthday," proposing to help "blow out the candles" by playfully inserting the gun in your own mouth.   At the height of fervor, let this gag o' the year rip and prepare to be the subject of an impromptu "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

The Lead Singer of Vampire Weekend is Some Dork

Hip or not man, this kid's a real doofus. I mean look at the fella.  He looks fresh off the stage of some high school quad eating area (I mean to say his band probably gained a following during high school, and is made up of band geeks).  These dorkos missed some much needed poundings along the way by the big dogs of the campus.  The only string section these nerdwads should be familiar with is the string of beatings received in the section of their face.  This kid's professor father is probably all proud of him, thinking back fondly on the times he and his achieving son spent in their socks, listening to significant LPs and perfecting guitar maneuvers in the downstairs den.  It is a blemish on society that we let former band geeks get away with being anything besides a national embarrassment.  They were dorks back in the day, and just because they got quirkier in life, doesn't mean that original seed of dorkiness has germinated into anything besides a massive dork flower.  Which reminds me, what is this kid's name anyways?  Lewis? Probably something that rhymes with "dork flower." (Most likely 'spork cower'--like he is such a weakling that if you threatened him with a plastic spork from your high school cafeteria, he would all cower and stuff.  Stork glower? In the sense that a snork would glower at him as a baby, because he knows what a massively shameful geek-o-the-week times a 1000 this kid is going to be.  Alas, my wit has exhausted me.  "Look outside the raincoats gone, oh, oh oh..." indeed.

Take a Hike, Internet Comedy

Everyone knows that comedy on the Internet has more than run its course.   There are simply too many funny videos to keep track of these days, it's enough to drive a body, INSANE.  Wait, there's a doctor on tv right now commercializing the prevalence of genital herpes.  Apparently, genital herpes is pretty common.  If this advertisement (pronounced the British way ((and "British" pronounced the American way ((("American" is pronounced the Italian way)))--anyways, if this advertisement is any indication, couples likely to have genital herpes are the same couples that dress in pale yellows and relax on whitewashed planks of their deck behind their waterfront home.  Couples with genital herpes enjoy sunsets just as much as couples without genital herpes, maybe even more so. 
Well, I Love You...

The End

Weak Nights Brain Teaser

Here is a riddle for those who can read: A man walks into Albertsons, collects no groceries; he walks straight to the checkout line, reaches above the magazines that are about soap operas and retrieves a DVD on sale for the fair price of 19.99, plus traditional tax. The DVD is Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, starring Dustin Hoffman and Natalie Portman. The man is not mentally disabled. Why does he buy this DVD?

A: He is a fan of Dustin Hoffman

B: He is a fan of Natalie Portman

C: He is a fan of crappy whimsy

I Been There Pal

By this point in Life, you're probably looking for some sort of Guidance.  "What the heck am I supposed to do?" You might be asking yourself. Well, you're in luck.  Because I know a lot about this World.  I "get it," so to speak. I'm not like those people who don't understand things, and how they work.  The main difference between "them" and "me," is that me have--I mean, "I" have the drop on anything this topsy-turvy marble can toss at you.  When it comes down to it, we're all just spinning round and round on this big blue marble trying to make some sense of what those before us figured out.  Well, I can't tell you how this is going to end, and I can't tell you flat out what to do, but I can give you fellow travelers some hints:

Pogs
Windows XP
the name "Maleek"
Horse Shoes
Grand Canyon
Left
Ballet Folklorico
El Nino
T-shirt

The rest, my friends, is up to you.  Happy trails...

Just When You Thought It Was Safe...