weak nights

Where Are They Now: The Weak Nights Bloggers

I've been getting hundreds of emails flooding my junk mail box regarding the missing members of Weak Nights. Relax, they're all alive (relatively speaking).  

For all you curious folks here's an update on what my former colleagues are up to:

RICE EATERSON:  Currently Rice is raising a shoe box of snakes with his "room mate" in Valencia, CA.  And they both work at Six Flags Magic Mountain as greeters!

DARREN HERZEG: Darren is still bragging about meeting that hideous African girl from Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency at Zankou Chicken. Good grief.

JOHN CANON:  John is now officially both Jewish and homophobic.  

MILES NIE:  What's going on with Miles? I'm not totally sure but it's probably something real olde-timey.

LIL' "E" SPARX:  It's all in a name.  Bitch is rapping and doing drugs and video taping it.  Also, she's dating a Mexican.

TIM WHATEVER: I'm not sure what he's up to.  He wouldn't return my calls.

HELLEN HARLAND:  What's she doing? A LOT of Puerto Rican guys and at least a one blogger who shall remain nameless. Okay, it's me.

HARPEKIN:  I actually do think he died.  It was 2006 and it involved a shit load of Diet Coke. 

CARLOS:  Carlos is still trying to find labor work in front of Home Depot.  And doing drugs with Lil' "E" of course.

And last but not least (although I think we've never met so she kinda should be least)...

KELSEY MCDONALD'S: Kelsey still works morning shifts at Coffee Bean, afternoon shifts at Pete's Coffee and night shifts at It's A Grind.  Kelsey has been thinking about adapting Xena: Warrior Princess into a movie franchise for the last seven years.  Keep on thinking girlfriend!

Our New Advice Column

Welcome to WEAK MIKE'S!

Hi there reader,

How are you?  Anyway since it seems basically like it's only just you and me now on this here site, I've decided to take over this blog for good and make it all about me.  Look forward to tons of posts about Denise Richards, Peanut Butter, Models Inc., and cash.  For my first post all I gotta say is:

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE GAS PRICES???

Talk to you tomorrow reader!

Love,

Mike

Founder & CEO
Weak Mike's Inc.

9021-UHOH!

So after my super successful post last week(I got the part!), my good friend Lori (Loughlin) and I decided to hire a limo to check up on the famous high school in person... you know to make sure everything is secure and perfect for when we arrive to shoot at West Beverly High next week.  Lori and I were suprised by what we saw...

Uh... is that a tagged palm tree? Where am I?  I thought this was Beverly Hills, not Chino ("The OC" reference).

SERIOUSLY? This is an outrage!  Don't people know that Shannen Doherty AND SMG (Sarah Michelle Gellar) once walked these grounds?!? Lori was mortified.

Did Oprah get in on the action too? Does that bitch have to put her stamp on EVERYTHING?

A plastic fork gang fight perhaps?

YIKES! Is that blood?  

 

Lori took this one, thanks girlfriend. The worst part of this trip?  The famous courtyard fountain and no water in it... just trash! And I don't mean me.

Basically I've called the producers to tell them that Lori Loughlin and I will not be returning to West Beverly because of this tacky-ass place they call a set.  But fear not, we have GREAT NEWS!  On the way back to Encino in the limo Lori and I wrote an outline on her iPhone for a Summerland spin-off called Summer. It's going to be just as sexy and controversial as The WB tv classic! The best part, Jesse McCartney's gonna play my dad! Look out for Summer coming to My Network TV this winter! And uh... good luck Jennie Garth... watch out for those plastic forks! LOL!!!

Attention New "90210" Producers!

Dear Producers of the soon to be hit CW show 90210,

I was just sitting here eating another one of my famous Peanut Butter N' Jelly Goldfish Cracker Tortilla Wraps and had a thought: YOU NEED ME TO WORK ON THE NEW 90210!  Here are the 12 reasons (9+0+2+1+0=12)  you need moi!

1.  I KNOW THE SHOW LIKE NO OTHER - Not only was I a fat kid that watched it obsessively in the 90's, now thinner, I watch at least four episodes every night before I go to bed (and I'm not even a meth addict like David Silver!).  Basically I can tell the writers what's been done before. 

Example:  Kelly Taylor has already been brainwashed by a Scientology-like cult AND stalked by a lesbian burn victim!  Donna Martin has already been pushed down the stairs by Ray Pruitt AND has had a brief stint as a fashion model in Paris!

2. I HAVE PLOT LINE IDEAS - First off, you need to bring back some of my favorite players.  Here we go:

1. Kelly's mom Jackie Taylor could become West Beverly's go-to GILF coke dealer.

2. Valerie Malone and Nat turn The Peach Pit After Dark into The Peach's Pit - a brothel that serves sexy ladies, pie and MEGA BURGERS!  Nat could help pimp the girls out including Brenda Walsh (returning only for November Sweeps) who goes by her alter ego Laverne.

3. Andrea Zuckerman (now age appropriate) teaches the newspaper kids over at The Blaze while seducing the  cool teen boys with her nerdy womanly charms. 

4. Clare Arnold returns. Period.

Basically bring every female actor back (minus Hilary Swank -ugh) and I'll make it work into the plot.

3. I WILL ACT FOR YOU! - As a part-time actor (mainly direct to DVD horror films that should be "so bad they're good" but just end up being "plain bad") you could cast me as Bo, the young funky art teacher who teaches the kids to stop shopping and start creating! OR I could play Andrea's daughter Hannah Vasquez, who's developed a gender identity crisis.  Hey, I could definitely play teen right? I mean Ian Ziering started the show at 28 too!

4. I'VE WORKED WITH LORI LOUGHLIN BEFORE - I was an extra on her "hit" show Summerland. We locked eyes at one point.

5. JENNIE GARTH AND I TALK - When I was 12 years old, I sent her some fan mail... her assistant sent me back a lovely pre-printed autograph!

6.  MY BEST FRIEND WENT TO THE REAL WEST BEVERLY HIGH - In Torrance.

Okay, that's 6 reasons to hire me and the last three I was reaching pretty hard.  Basically there are three two good reasons to hire me at 90210. And if I didn't convince you yet - I make a mean cup of coffee and will work for free.

See you on set! You won't regret it!

:)

Mike

Where Are They Now: Meredith Brooks

Who?

Meredith Brooks is a singer best known for her 1997 hit song "Bitch", for which she was nominated for a Grammy.

Where is she now?

Still being a bitch, I'm sure.

STONED? Have a yummy treat!

Look, I know you're stoned okay and really hungry (duh).  Why not try my famous recipe, Mike's Cinnamon N' Sugar Popcorn Feast!

MIKE'S CINNAMON N' SUGAR POPCORN FEAST
(1 Serving)

You will need:

2 Bags of Microwavable Buttered Popcorn (but not the kind that gives you that "popcorn cancer")
1 Bag of White Sugar
1 Bottle of Cinnamon
1 Bowl (not that kind silly!)
Hands

Directions:

Simply microwave the two bags of popcorn (there's usually a button that says POPCORN on the microwave).  Once the popcorn is popped, pour into a bowl.  Take the bag of sugar and pour it over the popcorn for 30-45 seconds (depending on how high you are),  Then sprinkle the cinnamon over the sugared popcorn for 15-25 seconds.  Take your hands and gently shake the bowl to get the cinnamon sugar on every morsel.  Sit down, take another hit, turn on Denise Richards: It's Complicated and ENJOY!

NEWSFLASH! Kids Hate Me.

I'm sad. Okay, I'm not really sad just annoyed - apparently kids hate me.  A week ago I was minding my own business just you know, returning a powder blue iPod dock (don't ask) at Target (the ultimate in discounted hip goods).  When I walked into the Returns line a little boy no older than six was walking out of line with his WT(that means white trash) dad and baby sister.  The kid looked at me dead in the eye and said "Get out of my way you creep". I was stunned.  The dad said to the demon child, "what did you say to him?" and the kid mumbled something that I didn't catch.  The dad went on to sorta chastise his son, "You don't speak to people like that".  But that was it and they left.  He didn't make the little brat apologize to me!  I felt awful, like a child molester...or even worse, a creep. 

Then yesterday I was leaving Starbucks (another hip chain of course) and a gang of little fat ten year old boys and girls stopped me.  One had a black eye - I thought, "Who are they, The Rascals?".  The little chubby blonde girl asked me, "What's your name?" as she wiped mud or chocolate (hopefully) from her pink T-shirt. I didn't know why she asked this.  Were they going to beat me up? Steal my wallet? Sell me lemonade? I looked at her and said, "What do you want?  I'm busy." I then rushed off sipping my iced coffee.  She yelled out, "Enjoy your Starbucks!".  Now that's branding.

Why do kids hate me?  What did I do to them?  I'm not a creep...they're the creeps!  Next time you see a kid on the street say, "What are you looking at creep?" or "What are you looking at creepette?" (I've decided that creepette is a girl creep or effeminate boy creep).

PS: If you do like creeps you can visit them at Giggles N' Hugs - A Children's Restaurant in West Los Angeles. No joke. It's a perfect place for creeps and creep admirers.

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A Fun, New Game!!

Got nothing to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon? Here's a great new spin on an old classic to lift your spirits: